Did you have a good night last night? Are you not quite sure how good your night actually was? Are you currently buried under a pile of blankets, shame and denial? Are you in the midst of convincing yourself that you did not in fact, ruin your life last night? Don't worry my friend. We've all been there. Here are the lies we tell our hungover selves. Some people just never learn...
11) "I feel great."
Considering the damage that you did to both your bank account and liver last night, there is no possible way that you could feel great, meaning there is only one possible explanation. You, my friend, are still drunk.
10) "I was fine last night."
If, by fine, you mean oh so very, very drunk, then yes, you were fine. Oh so fine. After all, what spells fine better than crying, dancing, falling over, fighting, smoking, and passing out. Totally fine.
9) "Everyone must still be asleep."
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Or else you insulted, ran away from, spilled your deepest secrets to, or ditched them all. What a kind friend you are. Perhaps now is the time to send that apology group text...
8) "Fairly sure I'm now going to die now."
Although you may be starting to feel that way, throughout the history of time, very few people have ever actually died from being hungover. Stop being so damn dramatic.
7) "I was quiet as a mouse coming home last night."
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Ammmmm no. Whereas you thought you tiptoed in as elegant as a ballerina, your parents, whom you probably popped in to say hi to, would tell a different story. The words 'herd of elephants', springs to mind.
6) "I didn't drunk text last night."
Is that why you haven't checked your phone yet? Is that why, in the back of your mind, you have a nagging feeling that you may or may not have been in contact with the ex, the ex who leads us on to the next lie...
5) "I don't remember getting with anyone last night. Therefore it must never have happened."
It more than likely did. With said ex. To totally reassure yourself, just ask your friends for the photographic evidence that they are likely to have taken.
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4) "I only had four pints. How could I feel this bad?"
You only had four pints? Nice try, I'm not your mother. The key is to always multiply the number of drinks you remember drinking by three. Maybe four. Then that right there, is your true pint number.
3) "I must have been spiked."
Or else, you must have actually lifted that glass to your mouth and drank YOURSELF into oblivion. See above point for verification of this.
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2) " I did not, at any stage, set foot on the dancefloor."
Is that why you're finding the art of walking so very difficult, at this moment in time? You're right, it must be because you spent the night sensibly sitting in the corner, sipping 7ups and talking about politics.
1) "I am never, ever drinking again."
Said every hungover person, ever. Thing is, the way you feel right now, you have fully convinced yourself that this is true. Until next weekend, when you'll do it ALL over again. Nice try though.
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