The college gym to some people quickly becomes part of their daily routine. To others, each time, they pass it by, it simply serves as a reminder of the fact that you are slowly destroying your once supple body through a potent mix of beer, instant noodles and stress. On those few occasions where you can muster the motivation to dig up some old shorts from whatever junior team you played for and head to the gym, here is a list of the shower of so-and-so's who will be there waiting for you.
1) The selfie star
This person will have a phone permanently fixed to their hand. They may not even touch any of the machines, but they will go near them. They will pose with them. They will pout beside a rowing machine, smize near a leg-press, smoulder while propped against treadmill. The may even fleck some water from the drinking fountain onto their foreheads to give the appearance of a hard-earned sheen of sweat in their photos. But it is all lies.
2) The weights hog
Big beefy bastard who has never given a jot of interest in his actual fitness but will find the heaviest lump of metal lying around the gym and lift that thing for all their worth. They are a sort of centaur- their upper half will be rippling with muscle, a Herculean giant who's torso will draw the eyes of all around them -yet their lower half is not that of a horse, but of a very, very unimpressive person. But that upper half, my word, be impressed, as that's all they want from you.
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3) The all-rounder
This person will be similar to the weights hog, except they will have a sense of proportion, and will actually evenly split their time around the gym, achieving a healthy balance of fitness and musculature. They are thus to be resented for their enviable composure and physical prowess. Damn the lot of them.
4) The newbie
This person is clearly new to the whole ordeal of going to the gym. Their gym etiquette will be all over the place, they want know what to towel down what not to towel down. They can be spotted by the fact that they will be dressed completely inappropriately for the gym. Either fiendishly overdressed, replete with shiny new sweatbands a lá Boris Becker in his heyday or sporting jeans and a t-shirt, clearly unprepared for what the hell they've gotten themselves in for.
5) The lurker
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We all know what their game is. Safe to say that it won't necessarily be exercise that'll be causing them to work up a sweat. These grubby chancers, will usually set up on something relatively easy, like a rowing machine or exercise bike, settle in at an agonisingly low tempo and just get ogling. Awful stuff.
6) The underdressed one
Some people who've set themselves on the path to self-improvement, do so on a spur of the moment decision at some point during college. As such they will often have to make do with whatever quasi-sportswear they can still find in their wardrobes. Unfortunately this can involve include gear that has for no valid reason stayed in their position from their days as u-13s hurler, or from some other youthful sporting pursuit. This usually ends up with some unfortunate exhibitionism that is really best avoided.
7) The loud one
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Some people at the gym like to make it known to you that they are exercising. That they are exercising well. That they are exercising hard, so much harder than you ever could or will you slovenly waste of space. They will extravagantly huff, puff and grunt worryingly, often even when they're just getting changed. When they get on the machines they'll sound like an asthmatic rhino being slowly vivisectioned.
8) The socialites
They will come to the gym in gangs, they will perch up on something like the rowing machines for a chat. They will chat, they will briefly row, they will then give up and continue sitting on the rowing machines as if they are in some avant-garde café which has substituted conventional chairs for rowing machines. They will remain there for a period of time long enough to deeply frustrate you but not long enough for you to muster the courage to go and chastise them.
9) The athlete
They are clearly part of some borderline professional and deeply impressive club or team in college. Their presence is awe-inspiring and morale robbing. As you stare down at your own listless and flaccid body, you know in your heart of hearts that you possess neither the will nor the dedication to ever commit yourself as whole-heartedly to something as they have. On the plus side though, you know that when you each leave, they will have to be content with measuring out some protein powder as their sustenance, whereas you can go and drown your sorrows, guilt-free, in a burrito.
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10) The free-spirit
This reckless maverick will seemingly have no discernible work-out plan to speak of. They will bound from one machine to another with seemingly no sense of perspective on what their goal is for the work-out. A 5k jog followed by hurling a medicine ball against a wall for 3 minutes? Sure why not. Using the sauna before having a go on leg press so they clam that puppy up with copious amounts of leg sweat? Of course they will. Going from the rowing machines to the pool before dripping up to the free-weights? Nothing is beyond this bright young thing to whom convention can't contain.
11) The show-off
This person will spend most of their time while working out staring at themselves in the mirror trying to make love to themselves with the power of their gaze. When they are not doing this they will be looking around the gym, to see if anyone else is staring at them. If there is someone, great, if not, back to the mirror.
12) The hungover one
They have clearly been out on some truly biblically horrifying night out. A night out that will be epoch defining in their lives, that has scarred and shaped them. A night from which they will use to divide their life into 'pre' and 'post'. They are looking to atone for their sins and try move on from whatever carnage they've wrought on their bodies. Unfortunately, being hungover they will be monumentally unprepared for this and so will look and smell awful and will most likely have to abandon each flaccid attempt at exercise they embark on within the first couple of minutes to run off to a bathroom and vomit. They are to be tolerated, and pitied.
