Sh*t Every Mother Says

Ahhh Mothers. There's no woman on earth like your own Mammy, a woman whom you may weigh five times more than, but still lie awake at night for fear of disappointing. She still has the power to make you cry and fear a mere cooking instrument, also known as the dreaded, all powerful wooden spoon. Here is the definitive list of things your Mammy says;

1)"Don't eat that you'll ruin your dinner, I've spent all fecking day cooking it."

There's no dinner like Mammies dinner. Just don't eat so much as a cream cracker for five hours before it's ready because God forbid, that could ruin your appetite.

2) "GET UP NOW.  You're as fecking lazy, I won't always be here to wake you, then what'll you do? WELL?"

Mothers hate lie in's. Nine in the morning may as well be three pm to her. How very dare you sleep in you inbred little shite. HUP NOW.

3) "Sweep the floor there love, LOOK AT YOU, you can't even sweep a floor, it's like you're not even mine."

An Irish Mammy prides herself on imparting her cleaning skills upon her children, however if one of them turn out to not be as psychotic with a sweeping brush as she is, then she has failed in her life long mission.

4) "Your Granny is getting on my WICK."

This can be said for either her mother or her mother in law. By now you'd think that Granny would have copped that coming to visit during stew making time is just asking for trouble.

5) "You have your wax if you think I'm bringing you into town now, I've more to do doing."

Asking Mammy dearest for a lift when she's not in the mood is just plain stupid. You may as well be asking her for a kilo of cocaine.

6) "Stop with your cursing for fecks sake, what kind of yokes are you hanging around with in Dublin? They must be awful yokes. I've never heard that kind of language from you until you went up there."

An important lesson is to be learned here. Mammy can give out to you for cursing using curse words. Just accept it. It's Mammies way or fuck off.

7) "When did you last go to mass hah? EASTER? Saint Anthony himself couldn't help you to find a a good mass."

Jesus Christ don't even think about admitting to Mammy when you last went to mass. Mother of devine lord she'll have a conniption.

8) "Did ya hear about Bridies third cousins mother? You DO know her. Well anyway, she died there yesterday."

If you don't know the entire surrounding parish and their family tree then you've failed your mother. Don't let the fact that you've been living away elsewhere for four years tarnish that anger. She's very upset with you.

9) "I started one of those computer courses, I'll be better than you now on the computers."

Oh check you out Mammy. After eight class she can now successfully turn on the computer and open up a word doc. She tells your father that it's high time he copped himself on and learned to do the same. Until the course ends and she forgets everything all over again.

10) "You've a WHAT? Well where's this girlfriend from? What do her parents do?"

Mammies all around the country fear the day their little darlings bring home some schlapper from the city. All it'd take to really push Mammy over the edge, is to hear that her parents don't own any land other than their parking spot. Bad news that young wan.

11) "A BOYFRIEND? Don't get pregnant for Jesus sake."

Mammy lies awake at night fearing that some day, one of her little lambs will come home up the duff. What would everyone say? To ensure this doesn't happen she put's the fear of God into them from an early age. Prevention is key.

12) "Stop it. STOP THAT FIGHTING OR YE'LL MAKE ME CRASH."

Mammies hate driving with little fighting shits in the back of the car. She'll tell ye that it's all your fault if she crashes, she's been telling you this since you were four and she still leans back and tries to bate you into silence.

13) "Jesusss I fecking hate that lad. OH HELLO Paddy!"

Mammy is very two faced, she's so two faced that she even has a fake laugh. She hates half the parish but acts like she'd happily marry the majority of them off to her children. God forbid anyone actually knows she hates them.

14) "I don't want a present at all, don't be wasting your money on me."

When Mammy says this she doesn't mean it. Buy her a new casserole dish and she'll leave you all in her will.

15) "Have a great night now, don't get too pissed."

Just because your mother gets gee eyed after two glass of Sauvigon Blanc doesn't mean she wants you to. Not in the local town anyway. God almighty, what'll they think if they see you drunk.

16) "Where the feck do you think you're going in that. You look like a huare. Look at the length of that dress."

Never get the boobs out if there's a chance Mammy will see them. She hates flesh. Although she's a bit scared of them, she thinks the Burka concept is a wise one.

17) "Welllll..How was your night? Did you meet anyone nice? What's wrong, I'm not being loud. ARE YOU HUNGOVER?"

Sitting at the kitchen table with your eyes hanging out of your head, you think your Mother would feel some pity and piss off. No. She wants all of the gossip and if she doesn't get what it then she'll just keep on talking.

18) "Do I have any news? I don't think so no. Nobody died."

Unless somebody died, then there's no news. Mammy lives for the death notices on Shannonside.

19) "What would you give that dinner out of ten now, honestly?"

Mammy loves a bit of dinner competition with herself so give her an eleven. Always an eleven.

20) "GET OUT, OUT. I'm trying to watch Fair City. It's a good one tonight, someone dies."

RTE are mighty altogether so they are. Fair City should be up for one of those Emmy things.

21) "Turn that fecking noise down, I'm trying to concentrate on the driving."

What kind of shite is that. Noise, that's all that is, not music, noise.

22) "Ah bolllocks. Another fecking wedding and nothing to wear."

Mammies hate weddings. Well actually, Mammy pretends to hate weddings what with having to recycle all of those two piece outfits from Clerys but get some wine into her and she'll be jigging to Galway Girl until three in the morning, the divil.

23) "Why couldn't you have just done teaching. Jesus those teachers are great."

All Mammy ever wanted was a Primary School teacher for a child and instead she got a lad doing 'media' shite. When the neighbours ask her what her young lad is at, then she'll say teaching anyway.

24) "Don't forget to put sods on the fire. I mean it."

Mother of God, don't let the fire that Mammy worked so hard to light, die. SHE'LL LOSE THE PLOT.

25) "Look at them there now with their big feck off car, pure notions."

Having notions is for the lowest of the low. Mammy doesn't like that, so don't even think about coming home with any notions or she'll soon bate it out of you.

26) "I joined the Facebook Mary, jaysus it's mighty so it is. I've seven friends on it now."

We all live in fear of the day our mothers join Facebook. Soon she'll be posting reminders to wash your hair on your wall and liking your check in statuses. Mort.

27) "I'm going to town, do you know now what you can do for me when I'm gone?"

Always go to town with Mammy. If you don't then she's certain to leave you a to-do list that'll take five hours to get through.

28) "Isn't it well for ye now."

Going to town, going to mass, going to the pub? Ah jesus, it's well for ye and poor mama sitting at home.

29) "Oh this? I got it reduced in Dunnes. It's grand isn't it?"

This is the single reason that all Irish women respond to every compliment with "Penneys €5". Mammy and her Dunnes love. Damn you Mammy.

30) "I will not get off the phone you little shite, who do you think pays for it?"

Mothers spend at least 15% of their day gossiping on the phone to their sisters. FACT.

31) "John, John, JOHN. Come here for a second. How do I go back to RTE One?"

She'd just gotten used to the old telly and then that Soar View shite came in and now she's back to square one. Not even able to change the channel.