1. The Food Obsessed Friend
We all have a Facebook friend, who has an almighty urge to tell the social media world about the large amount of food they have just eaten. Everyone at some point has eaten an almighty amount of junk food, this is completely normal. Boasting about it on Facebook…is not. You can spot these friends if they post about a substantial quantity of junk food eaten (in one sitting) more than once a week. The status will usually start with the following key phrases:
‘UGHHHHH so much food…’
‘Cant believe I just ate (insert large list of rubbish)’
‘NEVER EATING AGAIN….’
‘OMG how am I not 100 stone lol, just ate…’
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Please stop.
2. The Aspiring Model
This friend will generally have their place of work set to some, usually unknown model agency. Of course we may know a friend who really is making it big in the world of modelling, and to those congratulations we look forward to seeing you posing next to Cara Delevigne on the cover of Vogue. To those who have paid a nightclub photographer to take their ‘portfolio’ photos, you are unfortunately not classed as a ‘model’. This friend may have been ‘paped’ at a nightclub opening or event in their local town and the photo may have made it into the events section of the local newspaper, unfortunately it will take more than this to walk the runways at Milan fashion week. A key way to spot these friends is if they share an instagram selfie and include the hashtag…model. (Please keep instagram photos on instagram).
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3. The Stalker
We’ve all been in that awkward situation, you’re having a look through someone’s timeline (we’ve all done it) when you accidentally hit the like button. You have 5 seconds to hit unlike or risk having your cover blown. The majority of us are good, silent stalkers. Things begin to get creepy when you notice an old photo or status has creeped right back up to the top of your news feed. You can blame this on your Facebook stalker. These are brave, brave Facebook friends and in some sort of odd way we must admire their bravery, kudos to you stalker, you are not afraid to have your identity known. The easiest way to rid these stalkers is to simply unfriend them, but let’s face it, their vital contributors to the amount of likes your treasure chest of statuses and photos have on Facebook. In a world run by the amount of likes and shares our lives have, these stalkers are part of the important process. So to the Facebook stalker, we thank you.
(Note: people with absolutely no mutual friends and a home address of a place in the world you have never heard of are not these Facebook stalkers that we applaud, these people may be real stalkers, so the block button is probably the best idea in this situation).
4. The Permanently Hungover Friend
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‘SO HUNGOVER’, yes congratulations you may well be, but we will leave last night’s array of drunken photos to determine how hungover you must be feeling today. Dear hungover Facebook friends, a suggestion, it’s unlikely you went on your ‘crazy’ night on your own, so instead at most write to your friend informing them of how hungover you are today. We as your general Facebook buddies are not sympathetic with you. For one we were not there (or not invited…awks) so for all we know you had one vodka red bull and are now ‘dying a slow painful death’. And secondly, posting a status about how dry your mouth is or how sore your head is will not cure your hangover. If you are in the condition to post your ‘hangover’ status then you may not be as hungover as you think laptop screens, are incredibly bright, much too bright for the hungover eyes to tolerate. To those who have been out (as we can see from your album updates), you my Facebook friends are the truly hungover ones, in fact some of you are SO hungover that you can’t even stare at the bright laptop screen for long enough to untag your embarrassing photos.
So to the hungover Facebook friend, get yourself back to bed, put those two litres of water on your locker and sleep it off, we have more important statuses to browse.
5. The Hashtagger
#these #friends #do #not #understand #the #purpose #of #hashtags. Hashtags in general reflect trends around the world or the important elements of your photo ON INSTAGRAM OR TWITTER. They DO NOT belong on Facebook. The key here is education. I urge you to educate your ‘hashtagger’ Facebook friends, teach them the way of the hashtag. Only those who truly understand the way of the hashtag should be allowed to use them. Hashtagging the letter a (#a) has absolutely no effect on your photo or status. Nor do I think there has ever been a day when suddenly #a has been trending on…FACEBOOK…just stop this nonsense.
#RantOver
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