6 Christmas Alternatives For People Who Hate The Holidays

These days we have alternatives for everything: you can choose what phone you want, you can choose what Netflix subscription works for you, choice is everywhere. Except when it comes to holidays, in this case you're locked in.

With Christmas coming up and no alternatives for those who are Nollaig-nonconformist we took it upon ourselves to compile a list of alternative holidays for you to choose from.

1. Halloween 2: The spookening

Halloween is a criminally underrated holiday, relegated to third or forth place in the European Commissions official festival ranking index. I for one, see Halloween as the premier holiday; it's got everything a good festival needs; over-indulgence in sweets, over-indulgence in alcohol, and idiot students in black-face saying they don't understand 'how it's racist'.

So I propose that we take another pass at Halloween in place of Christmas. This way we get a second opportunity to showcase our meticulous costumes to the world and pass out in face paint, ruining our bed spread.

2. Drinksmas

Drinksmas is a holiday that trims away the gift-giving, peace-on-earth, and family aspects of Christmas and leaves behind the most vital part: the excessive daytime drinking.

Drinksmas is a wonderful holiday where the drinking begins well before noon and continues until well into the evening. When you think about it, it's really just exchanging one Catholic tradition for another, more popular one.

3. Duvet day

This day seeks to take the early hours of christmas day, where you watch shit films in the couch swaddled in a duvet, and extend it throughout the entirety of the day.

Imagine it, no relatives, no screaming kids, no motivation; just you spending the entire day in a duvet daze.

4. Privacy day

To celebrate Privacy Day all you have to do is isolate yourself in somewhere quiet, secure the area, and make sure you have wifi, or at least dial-up and a decent amount of patience.

After this what you do is up to you. We all know what you'll be doing though, all alone with your web browser: researching chemtrails. The globalists have been seeding the atmosphere with their mind control drugs to keep us all docile. The LAMEstream media doesn't report on it because they're total shills for the New World Order, but you'll get to the bottom of this yet.

5. Bittermas

Squat in the dark and let your inner Gollum loose. Spend your day relentlessly stalking all of your exes online, sneering at any small happiness they find from the musky dark of your hate-grotto. 'Oh, I'm happy you found love again SHARON, it's a shame about his weird ears and stupid shirt.'

Don't let the loneliness penetrate your shell of contempt.

6. No-shower-Nollaig

No one likes showering, no one actually likes practicing basic hygiene. No-shower-Nollaig frees you from that you can spend the entire day reeking like a greased-up manatee in a sauna.

It would be beautiful.