6 Things We Learned From Last Night's Bake Off

The wheels of time whirr on, another Tuesday has been and gone and more bespoke desserts have been made for our viewing pleasure. Last night's Bake Off saw those who Prue and Paul have deigned worthy of remaining in their rural marquee tackle the potentially innuendo-laden minefield of 'puddings'. Thankfully, though despite Prue Leith's best efforts, everyone concerned, like one of the many yeasty concoctions they brew up in the tent, rose above this.

While they bake, we are amused, we also learn. We learn about cakes, about the bakers, and in a way, about ourselves. Here are some of the things we learned from last night's show.

1) Injecting everything

This Bake Off's reputation is nothing if not wholesome. Well, tell that to Steven who, during the signature challenge, went all Trainspotting on us and whipped out a terrifyingly vast syringe. If Robocop had picked up an intense intravenous smack habit, this would be his syringe of choice, it looked like it had been designed by NASA. Steven insisted it was simply for plying his plump pudding full of delicious fruit juices, though we know better. Inside word is that next week Prue Leith's going to be making a soufflé in a crack pipe.

2) Liam needs a hug

There is nothing more tragic, in the whole of humanity, than the sight of a lovely art student breaking down at a jelly not having set. It cuts you deep, it surmises all the sorrow and heart-break in the world; one bubbly young man welling up at some orange pulp that has failed to achieve the correct consistency. He was genuinely distraught about it and I doubt I was the only one hugging my laptop, attempting to summon enough good-will to channel to him to help ease his pain; I was as a direct result asked to leave the cafe I was watching the show in this morning, as these actions were described as 'unsettling'.

3) Everyone's getting a car handshake

via GIPHYThe man we once knew as Paul Hollywood, is dead. Instead, these steely eyed imposter seemed to be trying his best to become the Oprah of the handshake world. Everyone and their granny was getting one. In the wake of some seriously impressive steamed puddings, he was throwing them about in a manner that would be churlish to describe as anything other than willy-nilly. He did however admit that he had a particular soft-spot for steamed puddings, so hopefully it was just the giddy joy of being plied with his favourite food that sent him grasping for any paw within a country mile.

4) The handshake market is going to bottom out

Even outside of the three handshakes Paul Hollywood doled out during the signature challenge it feels like there've been more than the standard amount of handshakes floating around this series; though this is mostly due to Steven being a baking machine. Now, this may just because because I'm a child of the economic crisis, but I begin to worry when I see previously valuable commodities that once had strict regulations placed on them being suddenly handed out without due diligence being paid to whether they're earned or being used responsibly. Am I drawing parallels between the subprime mortgage crisis that kick-started the global financial meltdown of 2007 and a man touching a lot of other peoples hands? You better believe I am. Am I worried it may be a tenuous and slightly dull analogy? Even more so. I'm worried that Hollywood is devaluing the handshake and it will soon lose all meaning.

5) Paul Hollywood's appearance

I've finally realised what it is, just what Paul Hollywood looks like. His appearance has for a long time confused me, being unable to pin down what exactly he resembles, but finally I have it. He dresses, and has the demeanour of, a biker who's made 'a bit of an effort' for a nephew's christening. The open shirt, the freshly manicured goatee, the thick upper torso. It's all there.

6) Steven will be killed

After the hot salty praise that was heaped onto Steven for his steamed pudding by the judges you could see the hatred simmering in the faces of their other contestants as he was yet again lauded by the judges. His steamed pudding went down an absolute storm and sort of stole a lot of the limelight from the other two handshakes that had been given out. It seems only a matter of time before the remaining contestants bond together, rise up and have Steven hung, drawn and quartered in the tent in some bloody and very cathartic ritual.