Your period is late and you're freaking the fu*k out. If you have a boyfriend then he's about to get the stellar news that he's becoming a father. Yay! Shit's about to go down. You could be on the pill and using condoms too, but once your period is 0.001 seconds late, then you're immediately convinced that there's a baby in there. If you're single, you're thinking back to every sexual encounter that you've had over the past month and hating yourself massively. Here are the stages a girl goes through when she thinks she's pregnant:
1) Panic, Pure Unadulterated Panic
You're trying to figure out when this baby was conceived. Was it that night that you were so drunk that you couldn't remember anything the next day? If you're single and had a one-night stand, you're extremely upset because you might not even know the name of the person that you were with. Mark? David? Stefano?
2) You Ring Your Best Friend
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The person that you know will be there for you and give you the best advice. You ring them crying and they tell you to stop freaking out, that you were fine last month (this is obviously a normal occurrence.) You say "no this is different!" (The same thing you say every month) and they say "right let's get you a pregnancy test". Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiit.
3) You Ring Your Boyfriend
He tells you to cop on, that there's no chance you're pregnant. "Yeah baby daddy, you keep telling yourself that". If you're single, you're still on the phone to your best friend asking them to be your baby daddy because that's what friends do, right?
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4) You Meet Up With Your Best Friend And Cry
Your boyfriend was useless, so you arrange to meet up with your best friend. You're going to get a pregnancy test to put your mind at ease. Looking at them makes you feel nauseous and you have to high tail it to the toilets "OH MY GOD, this is morning sickness." Your friend follows you in with the test, but there's no way that you're taking it in a public toilet. Back home you go Juno.
5) Oh, And Then You Cry Some More
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It's all too much to handle and you break down. What will your parents say?! WHAT WILL SOCIETY THINK! How will I be able to cope with all of this when my Mother still makes my dentist appointments and washes my socks?
6) Acceptance, Blind, Ridiculous Acceptance
I can do this! I can raise a child and be a good mother. I can do it alone (if you're single) and if not then I can still do it alone - if my boyfriend won't stand by me! "I don't need no man." I am a strong, independent woman and I've got this.
7) Relief, Sweet Joyous Relief
You take the test and it comes out negative. You've never celebrated so much in your entire life. You and your best friend jump for joy (mostly you because they're sick of listening to the same crap every single month). You text your boyfriend telling him you're not pregnant because he doesn't deserve a phone call after telling you to get your shit together. Anyone for shots?
