Being sarcastic is a rare and wonderful gift. If you're born with it then count yourself lucky because you have inherited a skill that will serve you well for the rest of your days. Being sarcastic means that you can outwit, out-smart and undercut anyone with a sarcastic level lower than yours. For anyone new to it all, just emulate your inner Chandler and the rest will come naturally. What's not to like about that? Here are the 9 times when it's necessary to be a sarcastic dickhead;
1) Any Time You Happen To Be Around Your Siblings
Siblings provided the perfect platform for you to practice your sarcasm on as you were growing up. You see, your siblings are one of a very select few people that no matter how many times you insult or piss them, will always forgive and forget, making them ideal testing candidates.
2) When Receiving Exam Results
"Oh did you do well?", everyone will inquire, to which you should answer, "oh yeah, amazingly". Either they'll believe you and you'll now be a semi genius in their eyes, or they'll understand that you're being totally sarcastic and will back off. You'll win either way.
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3) Your Parents Are Asking Where Your Life Is Going
The wilder and more vivid your answer the better. Really go to town on it and shock them. Something along the lines of quitting college, joining a circus, marrying a bisexual and moving to Argentina should do it.
4) When People Appear To Have Lost Their Manners
Nothing infuriates me more than holding a door open for someone who breezes on through as though you're there firstly to serve them. The same goes for rude customers. You're actually SO WELCOME.
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5) When Someone Is Literally Too Stupid To Insult
This has the added bonus of sarcasm being far too intelligent for their simple brain to comprehend. You may as well be speaking Dutch for all the effect it'll have on them. Just utter some of your sharp wit and watch them sit back and attempt to decode it all in the corner. Like stealing milk from a kitten.
6) To Undercut Your Sworn Enemy
If like me, you tend to fail a little under live argument pressure, then resort to second best and just throw every sarcasm card that you own onto the table. Basically just take everything they say and repeat it back with a few 'yeahs' and 'really's' and 'ohmygod no ways' thrown into the mix and they'll run off crying into the sunset.
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7) When Someone Asks You An Awkward Personal Question
Generally relating to the state of your love life and nine times out of ten, asked by an older family member. There's no way out of this trap other than to blast them with sarcasm from every which angle and then charge. Because they're old (no offence), they won't really understand and so will probably leave thinking that you're now a lesbian and/ or are getting married next month. Whatever keeps them happy.
8) At Any Period Before 9am
Oh good morning. Great morning, in fact. Could all of the shiny, happy morning people out there just take a running jump and then fuck off because mornings are not good for anyone and if you try and talk to me I will have no choice but to be very sarcastic to you. Apologies in advance.
9) At Airport Security
Do you know what confuses me most about life? The fact that at airport security, they always ask do you have anything on your person or in your bags. Has anyone ever, in the history of airport security actually answered yes? Because if you honestly DID have something in your bag you'd be pretty unlikely to surrender it, in fairness. Apart from the fact that you could, you know, end up in jail or something, answering something fantastically sarcastic would be the the dream. It's just that for the sake of wanting to go on holidays again at some stage, I think I'll have to advise against doing this one...
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