Best Chuck Norris Facts

• Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

• When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

• Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

• Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

• Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

• When Chuck Norris throws a rock at night, it is known as a shooting star.

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• Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

• Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

• Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

• Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

• Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

• Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

• Chuck Norris is the reason Wally is hiding.

• Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

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• Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

• Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

• Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

• Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

• When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

• Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

• Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

• Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

• A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

• Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

• Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

• Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there is no signs of life.

• The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

• Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

• It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

• M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

• Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

• Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

• If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.

• Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

• Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

• Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

• Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.

• Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.

• Chuck Norris can punch a hurricane in the eye.

• The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

• Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

• Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

• When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

• Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.

• Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

• Chuck Norris can speak braille.

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• A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

• The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

• Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

• Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

• Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

• Hercules strangled two snakes in his crib when he was a baby. Chuck Norris strangled a grizzly bear moments after birth with his own umbilical cord.

 

• Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

• Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack... even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris cheated on his English test............with a calculator.

• The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

• Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

• Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

• Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

• Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

• If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

• Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

• Chuck Norris doesn't teabag , he potato sacks.

• Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.