Ignore All Queues
Don't they know who you are? Barge obnoxiously ahead of anyone pathetic enough to queue up outside a club. Go up to the bouncer, tell him Ricky sent you. Doesn't matter if Ricky is a name you just pulled out of your ass. Do it with confidence. Look disparagingly at the peasants who chose to wait in the cold.
Slap As Many Asses As You Can
Tell girls they're dressed obnoxiously with your hand on their ass. Jiggle it if you want the full effect. Ruffle up their hair. When they get annoyed take the piss out of them.
Start arguments
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It's not difficult.. Just spread the lies, sit back and enjoy the drama unfolding.
Smash your glasses on the ground
When you're done drinking just drop your glass. Simple as. Don't you go to any trouble. Sure you've had a tough week and they pay people to clean up. No one is paying you to put the glass on a table so it's not going to happen..
Blow Smoke Into People's Faces
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It's a smoking area. Anyone there knows it's gonna be smoke filled. If they want to creep on smokers, they deserve to be covered in smoke.
Know You Are Jay Z
When N***gas In Paris comes on you F**king own this shit. Clear a space in the dance floor, shout out the lyrics as loud as you can, who cares if you get them wrong, and fist pump. If anyone tries to come up and dance beside you, stealing your limelight, push them away fast. This is your moment.
Spill Drinks On Girls
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The night might be dragging a little and you need some entertainment. For this next piece of amusement red wine is idea but Jaeger is very sticky. Girls hate sticky. 'Accidentally' bump into a girl and spill your drink all down her front. You get extra points if she's wearing white. Upon spilling prepare for them to go mental and let the LOL's begin. In extremely satisfying cases her whole girl pack will come up and accuse you of being a complete asshole. It just gets more and more entertaining. Be careful though, it has to look like it was an accident. Bouncers don't look too kindly on guys getting the girls all wound up and you may get thrown out. A fake look of concern is necessary.
Take a piss at the bar
Who needs to queue (again) and why would you bother? Standing at the bar waiting for drinks is annoying as it is. No need to add to the tenure. Just whip it out and piss freely on the ground at the bar. If anyone notices you they will likely be horrified and flee, which is good as you've less idiots to jostle with waiting to get served.
In Eddie Rockets order as much food as you might eat in a weekend
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Once you've eaten your fill and mushed the rest into the seats announce that you've no cash. Your mates will cover this. If they start getting really annoying suddenly pretend to be so drunk that you have actually fallen asleep. Also if anyone takes a few chips off you sure they've practically eaten half and should contribute anyway.
Get sick in the taxi
Sure half of these guys here are illegal. Consider your Sh**ing or puking in the back of a taxi like government taxation.
Get him to drop you off about 3 minutes away from your gaff. Obviously don't pay. Run. He won't be able to keep up.
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Wake up your whole house, make noise, upset the dog, make a mess, maybe get sick again.
When you get home don't give a sh*t if you set off the alarm. If you've forgotten your keys, or are just too lazy to take them out of your pockets, throw stones at your sister's window scaring the C**p out of her. Upon entry get the dog all over-excited and yapping about the place. Make food, anything will do. Smear it over the counters. Leave the mess. Sure your mum loves a bit of cleaning first thing. If you get sick try to let this happen before you reach your room. If you get sick in the sitting room the smell will annoy other people so much they will likely clean it up. If it's in your room you might be forced to do it yourself.
Sleep contentedly...
