I wish this were fake news. Honestly, there's nothing more that would be please me than if I could sit here knowing that I had given up any semblance of responsibility as a web-based journalist for a student-focused media outlet - and if we can't trust the journalists from the student-focused media outlets of the world, who can we trust? - and that this headline marked my first foray into the world of fake news - if for no other reason than I hear the money's good.
But alas, that's not the world we live in. No, we live in this world, where Donald Trump, the 45th President of the United States, has sort of challenged the Vice-President of the previous White House administration to a sort of fight. For context though, and to very much put ourselves in the logical shoes of Donald Trump, he was only driven to Tweet because Joe Biden 'started it'; which I think we can all agree is fair enough...
Joe Biden, speaking at the University of Miami about Trump's abhorrent attitudes toward women, said;
"When a guy who ended up becoming our national leader said, 'I can grab a woman anywhere and she likes it.' They asked me would I like to debate this gentleman, and I said no. I said, 'If we were in high school, I'd take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him."
Naturally, an ad hominem attack on a head of state is a de facto attack on the nation as a whole so, in a way, Joe Biden has declared war on America. It is therefore in the interests of American national security that Trump respond, failure to do so would be nothing short of shirking his presidential responsibilities. Or at least, you could be forgiven for thinking so given Trump's response which simultaneously berates Joe Biden for advocating violence while seemingly threatening quite a lot of violence. Cue:
Crazy Joe Biden is trying to act like a tough guy. Actually, he is weak, both mentally and physically, and yet he threatens me, for the second time, with physical assault. He doesn’t know me, but he would go down fast and hard, crying all the way. Don’t threaten people Joe!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 22, 2018
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Let's just take a moment to drink in everything Trump says here. Its beginning, is perhaps the quintessence of Trump; a needless accusation that a famously clear-headed and reasonable man is, in fact, 'Crazy'. Does Trump possess the requisite psychology qualifications to say definitively whether Joe Biden is 'Crazy' or not? Has he sat Joe Biden down for a rigorous assessment of his mental well-being so that he may proffer this diagnosis? I am not informed enough to say one way or another and a quick Google search of 'Is Joe Biden crazy' just brought up various links to this story.
Trump then goes on to set up that Biden is trying to 'act like a tough guy', perhaps as a result of this 'craziness', so that he may then immediately counter this by asserting that Biden is actually, "weak, both mentally and physically". Trump is then astounded that, in spite of this supposed frailty, Biden insists on threatening him.
Perhaps though, this can be seen as the closest thing to compassion that Trump is capable of. So concerned is Donald Trump with the danger that Biden is putting himself in that he is trying to warn him off pursuing this folly. So unprepared in every single way is the body of the former Vice-President when compared to the Herculean majesty, the powerful machine of sinew and rippling muscle - fuelled on a diet of Big Macs and race-hate - that is Trump, that oblivion's embrace is the only possible outcome for Biden. Were a fight between the two to occur Trump knows that all that Biden can expect is to be transported to a world of profound, unbridled agony. Trump does not want this; he does not want to have to unleash upon Joe Biden the sheer destructive power that he knows his body to be capable of.
His threat to Biden, that were they to fight he would "go down fast and hard, crying all the way", is therefore not a threat, but an act of love. An attempt to save Joe Biden from the physical torment that would inevitably await him were he to follow through on his own ill-advised threats.
Or it is just more deranged ramblings from the darkest void of a madman's mind (Trump's tweet, not this article), who's to say?
Also, it's worth noting that the featured image from this is a screengrab from an appearance Trump made in the WWE in 2007 where he (a stunt double in an ill-fitting wig) fought Vince McMahon, WWE President, on the floor before shaving his head. It needs to be seen to be believed.
God help us all.
