Well, mark this day, 27th of August 2019. Previously, most of you would've known today as the 123rd anniversary of the outbreak of the Anglo-Zanzibar War, which only lasted for one hour. However, I feel that future generations will know it as something very different. Our children, and our children's children, while consulting the annals of history - by torch-light in the improvised hovels they've had to construct out of thousands of superfluous fitness magazines leftover from 'The Great Purge' and dilipidated Nespresso machines - will see this moment labelled as a tipping point in the chapter marked 'Where It All Went Wrong'. The moment when we became globally aware of a product called 'One Hand Chips'.
Despite sounding like some antiquated card game a group of men, some of whom may or may not be missing a limb, would play in a saloon in the 19th century for ownership of a horse - it is actually a bag of crisps that proves a damning indictment on modern man. 'One Hand Chips' are essentially a bag of crisps that have been pre-mashed so that they can more easily consumed without the whole pesky business of having to actually pick up a crisp and put it in your mouth using your other hand. To make matters considerably worse, they use the Americanisation 'chips' to refer to 'crisps'.
One can only imagine how much time has been wasted over the years by people having to use their extra hand to ferry small discs of fried potato to their mouths. Imagine how much further along the course of technological advancement humanity would be had this invention reached us years ago. Think of all the thousands of man hours that could've been freed up by allowing people to still have an entire hand free to continue doing work while also hooshing crisps out of a specifically designed pouch as if it were a feed bag. Flying cars would soar through the skies; the majority of the worst diseases that ravage humanity would be consigned to history, and we would be receiving daily news updates from humanity's first Martian colony.
Of course, I'm being facetious. Rather, this marks the indelible turning point where we are now inexorably aligned on a course toward giving up food in its entirety as a needless time-wasting extravagance. Once we have rationalised and justified the existence of a bag of pre-mashed crisps whose sole raison d'etre is to allow us to continue to use our phone. We are now on unavoidably on a course that will see us, in order to free up more time to use our phones, forego meals in favour of being hooked up to patented nutrient drips. This is what awaits us. This is what we, through our embracing of 'One Hand Chips', have decided our fate to be.
Thankfully however, for now the One Hand Chips, remain the preserve of Japanese consumers. They are made by a company called Koike-ya who call them the "new snack style that humankind has been waiting for".
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寒い冬。
彼の手を離したくない。
でもどうしてもカラムーチョが食べたい。そんなあなたに、ワンハンド。 pic.twitter.com/1VnFYxQmm1
— コイケヤ【公式】 (@koikeya_cp) November 29, 2018
This is the world in which we inhabit. This is the reality with which we now must contend. We must now fundamentally alter that which has existed before to protect our precious phones from finger grease.
