Christmas parties. The thing that gets us through the long and horrendously happy (for others) month that is December. For those of us fortunate enough to have part time jobs, the only silver lining in this cloud of doom is the messy joy that is the Christmas party. We look forward to them for so long, the promise of three free drinks and a piss up shining bright through the misery, only to spend the next four months living in shame and fear after probably ruining our lives. Here are nine things that will inevitably happen at every Christmas party;
1) You Will Start Off The Night With Good Intentions
You are well aware that this is no ordinary night out with your mates. Tonight, you tell yourself, will be different to all other nights. Tonight you shall be reserved, you shall hold back that little something of yourself that turns you into a raving lunatic. Tonight, you will be a classier, more together version of yourself and it will be great. No, really.
2) Only To Fuck It All Out The Window When You Discover There's A Free Bar
Really, you did plan on sticking to your reserved plan. That was until you heard that there's a free bar and all morals and sensible judgement gets fucked out. Pints, bottles, whiskey on the rocks, vodka shots, nothing is too out there, nothing too much. This is the beginning of your demise...
3) You Will Finally Talk To That Weird Co-Worker
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They've always given off a kind of odd vibe, meaning people tend to avoid them for fear of having to listen to tales of their cartoon fetish. Naturally, therefore, when you're halfway on that road to hammered town, you'll feel as though now is the time to talk to them, or in some cases, at them. No stone will remain un-turned, no question left unanswered, no silence uninterrupted. Thank you alcohol for gracing us with clouded social judgement and general cop on.
4) You'll Dance Like Nobody's Watching (Everyone Is Watching)
Fuck it, you think. This is (partly) my party and I'll dance if I want to. So up you get, you and two other very drunk people and away float all of your problems on a cloud of arm gestures and floor drops. Why god, why did I think I was a sort of MJ meets Taylor Swift? Pray there are no videos, that's all you can do now.
5) Someone Will Vomit And Then Cry
In that particular order. The vomiter will be having the absolute time of their young lives, loving life, loving themselves and loving you. Then, from nowhere, they'll not so tactically chunder their little brains out. Everyone beware. This will also usually happen in a very public place, thereby ensuring that they are as mortified as is possible. Once they realise that everyone has seen them, they'll burst into tears and need immediate comforting. Hopefully not from you.
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6) Two Co-Workers Will Hook Up (And Therefore Ruin The Rest Of Their Year)
It's always the most unsuspecting of people too. If they hate one another, even better. They'll always get caught and will always immediately regret it. There's nearly always a boss thrown in there for good measure too. Photographic evidence is not just an option, it's a requirement. This ensures that they can't deny it and that if ever they're in a shitty, mean mood, you'll have sufficient blackmail material to hand. Evil? Yes.
7) You'll Finally Tell Your Boss Exactly What You Think Of Them
I really hope, for all of our sakes, that you like your boss. "You're actually not that bad", "You know what, you're so much more fun when you're drunk" and "you know what, I like you", are bound to make an appearance at some stage. Try as you might, you just won't be able to stem the flow of nonsense coming from your mouth. Let's just hope they take it well....
8) A Fight Breaks Out Between At Least Six People
This generally takes place at about two or so. People are nicely intoxicated at this stage, meaning that one half of the group will be daring each other to dance battles and as for the other half? Well, they're likely to be boxing one another into oblivion, that's what. I know which one I'd rather be in the middle of...
9) You'll Spend The Next Day Racked With Serious Fear
I say day but really, I mean month. Sure, you think to yourself that maybe it wasn't that bad. Everyone was drunk, you assure yourself, you probably just slipped into the background, happily tipsy and loving life. Then you check your phone and discover roughly one million texts telling you 'how funny you were' last night. Oh shit....
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