Why I Hate Being a Bus W@nker

Public transport. Put some creepy music with it and write it in blood and you have the next Halloween blockbuster. I don't actually mind public transport. It's convenient, its cheaper then driving everywhere and you beat rush hour traffic. I believe in the idea of public transport. It's the other people I don't like using it. Being the big culchie I am, I go home every weekend and I have started to believe that there are people who just want to see how far they can push me before I crack.

So 'Stand clear. Luggage doors. Operating.'

1. Eating Hot, Smelly, Rotten Food.

When I was in the shop, I bought a bottle of water and a bar. You however, thought it would be a great idea to get yourself a three course meal. The smell of a greasy breakfast roll with about five packets of ketchup makes me want to puke everywhere. However I'm considerate so I refrain from doing so until I leave the bus. As soon as I saw you enter the bus with that ticking time bomb,I knew we would be enemies. The smell lingers for the whole journey and God help us if it's roasting on the bus...

2. Loud Music

I'm not an old fogie. I listen to music on every bus journey I go on. But just because I love to blast out Kasabian on the two hour journey, doesn't mean everyone else does. Therefore I put it on at a respectable level. If I can hear One Direction over my music, there is something seriously wrong. I get that it must be so difficult to be a brooding teenager when nobody, like, ever gets you. But seriously, take it down a notch. Your ears are not toilets and mine certainly aren't.

3. Loud Talkers

Similar to the loud music, these people think that they are the only ones on the bus. I get that Sarah is a complete slut for shifting Kevin last night and it must be awful that your dress from Asos STILL hasn't arrived. If you could only turn back time and click the 'express post' option. I have Jeremy Kyle recorded for when I get home. Stop ruining it for me!

4. Back of the Bus Crowd

As soon as you walked around the corner and saw what seemed like a preview of Paul's Boutique Summer collection, you knew what you were in for. Music blaring from whatever shitty phone they have. Girls on one half with the boys at the other side until two brave souls move to the seat in front for a quick top and a shift. The rest trying to figure out who looks the oldest to go buy fags. What a glorious time to be alive.

5. Feet People

I know of no one who doesn't mind feet. Feet are the most disgusting thing in the world. They look like chubby little snakes trying to escape. You can imagine my reaction when someone beside me decides to let their feet breath for the duration of the journey. This is not your house. You are still in public. Put your feet back in their foot prison. Whats even worse is when these people decide to sit cross legged. Their big toe grazes against your thigh like a warm, sweaty sausage.

6. That One Person Who Takes Up All the Room

Nobody likes to sit beside someone when they're travelling but it happens. You reluctantly take your shite off the aisle seat and let whoever it is sit beside you. It's like being picked for the football team on sports day, but being the last one left is the ultimate victory. It's the people who blatantly refuse to let you sit down that annoy me. The ignoramus who keeps their worn out grocery bag on the seat until you have to ask them can you sit down. Unless you have some sort of grocery sized child in the bag then your groceries do not deserve a seat!

7. Coughing/ Sneezing

Is it too much to ask for you to put your hand to your mouth and at least have a tissue. These people that sound like they're blowing some horn of war as their whole body shakes when they sneeze.

8. The Slow as Fuck People

You got here the same time as I did. So why is it only now you start to route for your money? I'm a lovely person, you could have asked me how much it was. We may have even have become friends. I'm a hoot! But no, you chose to stand there and twiddle your thumbs until the bus got here. You then proceeded to race to the front of the queue so the rest of us had to stand their and silently curse you every name under the sun.

9. The Unappreciative Guys

If I was polite of enough to let you ahead of me in the queue or let you out in front of me getting out of the bus then why do you think a half arsed grunt will suffice as gratitude. I'm not asking for for you to stand there and recite me a poem. Nor do I expect history books to record the time I let a person pick their bag up before me. However I do expect something. You don't even have to say anything. Just acknowledge the fact.

10. General Body Odor

Maybe I have a very sensitive nose, or maybe that bath of Lynx Africa you took this morning to mask the smell of 8 dutch and shots of sambuca is just the tiniest bit over powering. I would prefer an all out smelly person then the toxic fumes of a full can of impulse to cover the smell of cigarettes that the teeny bopper beside me is wearing.

11. People in My Bubble

Sometimes you can't help it but when I'm about to become the delicious filling of a parka/freezing cold window sandwich, I think that's a step too far.

12. Tourists

Possibly even more annoying then the Paul's Boutique tribute band and the future of heavy metal music combined. They do not stop talking even though they're miles a way from each other on the bus. It's somehow perfectly acceptable to lean across a person to take a picture. It's the whole bubble/ space ratio all over again!

13. Children

Any child that has to sit in the same seat for a long period of time is going to get antsy. I'm just annoyed that it's not socially acceptable for me to fall to the ground kicking and screaming...