Finishing college is actually the worst thing that can happen to a person. When I finished I was technically homeless for a while, I lived on people’s sofas because I never wanted to not be at college and was desperately clinging onto that lifestyle, that life void of responsibility and adult decision-making.
After finishing, I stuck around in my college town mostly sleeping on my best (only) friend’s sofa and drinking Frosty Jack’s ‘cider’ 6 nights a week and then calling in to work morbidly hungover the morning after to tell them that I’d hurt my leg AGAIN at rugby so couldn’t come in (sorry Jack Wills, you were great but…sofa, Frosty Jack’s and poorly informed conversations about politics and the downfalls of capitalism win every time).
One sad day though, I realised I had to do something else. And it certainly wasn't going to be one of the recruitment jobs that I had mistakenly applied for and mysteriously been offered, so I decided travel would be that thing. I didn’t want to do the cliché ‘gap- year’ travelling thing so opted for South East Asia, because no westerners travel that route right? Yeah, yeah, definitely. I actually taught whilst there as well, so I wasn’t just there for the cheap booze and parties yeah? I was actually A TEACHER (said over a bucket of Thai whiskey at 4 am in some fat-British infested beach bar).
Here are the (obligatory) rules of travelling South East Asia like a proper dickhead:
1) You need some sort of vest with a local beer on it that reveals much more skin than is ever appropriate.
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This way when you’re home and wearing it in weather that, if you’re really honest with yourself, you know is too cold for a vest, people will know that you went to Thailand once without you having to yell it down the street at them.
2) Wear a snap-back. Day in, day out.
Never not be wearing one as that is inhumane and unacceptable.
3) Get a bamboo tattoo.
‘Oh you’ve been travelling around Asia? What did you get tattooed?’ ‘I’ve got thailandbantzz in Thai on my bicep’. Cool one.
4) Go to lots of culturally significant, historic points of interest but not really know why.
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Just be there to make your Instagram feed look more cultured, basically.
5) Buy some of those baggy trousers with elephants on them because you’re kinda bohemian and laid back now.
Rad.
6) If you’re a girl, then invest in at least 5 tie-dye dresses and get a braid in your hair.
Because you too are now boho-chic and unique to boot.
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7) Partake in a pub-crawl. One where the ticket is a vest you buy with ‘something pub crawl’ on it.
On a serious note though, actually do that, they’re great, not to mention liver-destroying.
8) Go to the Full Moon party.
And anyone who tells you that it’s just the same as any other night but with more people is…well, correct actually. Apart from the possibility that you might have to pay if you’re unlucky/stupid. Buckets of faux spirits masquerading as Vodka will ensure a fab night awaits you.
9) Post a few paragraphs on facebook when you’re home about how it’s been a life-changing experience, how the west just gets things wrong, how it’s altered the way you perceive the world, politics, relationships and your general attitude to life even though all you did was get wasted on some islands for a few months and crash a moped.
I actually did a lot of those things and it was fucking brilliant. So don’t get a job after uni, go to Asia and be a white, western cliché for six months. It’s much better. I’m home now and life consists of daytime naps and sending Snapchats of my cat being a moody shite to people. And, in case you can't tell, I'm not bitter about it in the slightest.
