Men constantly complain about how complicated women are. The fact of the matter is, we're really not. In fact, most of the time we're fairly easy to decode, understand and please, you're probably just not totally sure what's going on in our minds. So to help, let me decode some of the lies that women tell you:
11) 'I'm Fine'
If a woman is quiet and angry looking for no apparent reason, men usually start to panic sweat a little and ask us if we're ok. If we respond with "I'm fine", you're to blame. You're fucked really, to be honest. You've obviously done something severely wrong, something such as liking a girls picture on Facebook or you've agreed on a night out with the lads, when we already had plans. I don't really think any woman can explain why we do this, we're just hardwired to want to panic you and our thought is that, by not telling you what you did wrong, you'll imagine the very worst and all the while we can sit back and watch you shit yourself.
10) 'No Presents Please… It's grand'
It is Not grand to forget to buy a girl a birthday present regardless of what she says. When a girl tells you that she "doesn't want a Birthday/ Valentines/ Anniversary present", do not listen to her. You go out, you buy her something, ANYTHING and show that you've made an effort because when we say we don't want anything it's a test, a test we want you to pass. So please do. Otherwise we'll be 'fine'. Nastaaaaay.
9) "Oh these legs, nah they're just naturally this smooth and shiny."
LIES, IT'S ALL LIES. We did not just wake up with legs that could feature on a Gillette Venus ad. It's tough maintenance, sometimes painful, always annoying. So here's my advice, be grateful and admire them because we probably did it for you in the first place.
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8) 'I've absolutely no make up on'
If you've started seeing a girl recently and she happens to be at the very glamorous end of the spectrum (most of us aspire to be like this, but at the end of the day could barely be arsed to brush our hair), then prepare to get a surprise when you see her without makeup. Oh wait, you won't. See that babe over there with the long long hair, the dark eyebrows, the Bambi length eyelashes and the knife like nails? None of that is likely to be real. We'll tell you it is because you're a man and won't know any different. Just don't scream when you notice that half of her hair appears to be attached to her head via hair clips. Like my weave?
7) 'No, I Don't Creep On Other Men..ever'
Oh you silly men, you don't actually believe us when we say that do you? There's always that age old belief that men are the hot blooded sex. What nonsense. We're probably much bigger creeps than you are, we just do it far more subtly and with more class. You wouldn't catch us tooting our car horn because some lad has a nice arse, oh no no. We just put on the sunglasses and quietly take it all in. Do you really believe that we watch half the crap that we do, purely for the story. Negative. All we need in life is chocolate and Jamie Dornan (mmmmm) and we're happy as can be.
6) 'I'm not drunk...'
"No, I swear I wasn't drunk when I rang you last night, to roar some pitch perfect Beyonce down the phone." I just thought to myself, what else would one be doing on a Thursday night? You should embrace this lie, it means that you were most likely dissected in our drunken girly conversation and the general outcome is that you're actually alright and your reward is our beautiful singing voice to rise you from your slumber.
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5) 'Penneys, €5'
This is a lie we only really have to break out for that rare breed of man who actually notices when you buy some new clothes. The vast majority would only notice any difference if we turned up with our boobs hanging out or showed up in a wedding dress(on second thoughts, that'd be a hoot.) There are men of course, who take an interest in fashion and clothes and all that kind of stuff. These are the type of men who'll you'll have to lie to. "Oh this old thing? Penneys." (Note, do not tell them you've just spent forty five euro on a white t-shirt from River Island. Saying it aloud makes it sound all the more mental.)
4) 'I'm not into gossip'
Men are sometimes intimidated by how close girl friends can be. "What the hell can we talk about for hours upon hours?", you may ask. "Not much, just life in general", we'll answer you. LIES. We talk about everything, including you, your friends, how useless you all are and how we just don't understand you. We'll probably tell you that we don't talk about you or our relationships to our friends. Utter lies. They probably know more about us than you do. And you make up 50% of us. Also, it's good to know that girl code does exist, there are a lot of things from our past our friends know that you do not and never will.
3) 'My dad Really likes you'
If you've ever met a girls father for the first time, you'll know how terrifying an experience it is. No matter how prepared you are for this time, it won't be pleasant. You won't be good enough, accept that. You could have the brains of a young Hawking, the money of Bill Gates and the voice of a young Terry Wogan but he'll still probably hate you. Especially if she's the only daughter or the youngest or the oldest. So when we tell you that our Dad really liked you, then we're probably lying. Soz.
2) 'I'm OK'
So you sent a text to the girl two hours ago and she still hasn't replied. This is bad. You sit there, you begin to sweat, oh shit Shaniqua what have I done now. You text again, a question of some form thrown in to ensure a response. Twenty minutes later you get a response. Your heart beats a little faster, you open the oh so anticipated message. It reads 'K'. K does not mean ok. Things are not ok. Things aren't even 'fine', Oh dear god man, you are fuuccccccccccked.
1) 'There's nothing I'd change about you..'
There are surely many men out there who've thought, "I wonder is there's anything she'd change about me?". If any of you men have had this thought aloud and she has responded with "no, not at all, I love you for you" or similar shite then she's lying. Blatantly. The likelihood is that we want to change so much about you that you'd be a more groomed, sexier shell of your previous self. This is an unfair thing to say, we should all 'accept one another for who we are' apparently, so this is why we lie here. In truth we'd love to burn all of the manky t-shirts that your aunt bought you when you were in third year and you thought were class. Except that now you're twenty three. Please buy a suit. Otherwise you're perfect. Promise.
