Sh*t only Burrito Staff Have To Deal With

1. Spanish Students.

There is nothing more doom impending then seeing a herd of luminous backpacks stampeding their way towards the counter.  You know you will spend the next 20 to 30 minutes explaining to each individual the items on the menu, which they forget almost immediately. Also, it appears manners are unknown to this species.

Employee: "Are you enjoying you're time here?"

Spanish Student: "Chicken."

Alrighty then.

2. Pinto beans or Black beans?

Any burrito employee grows weary of this question fast. We end up being asked this question about 600 times a day, and after the first hundred the suspense expires.

Employee: "Pinto beans or Black beans?".

Customer: "Which ones are the black ones?".

Reaaaaally?

 3. Restricted Access.

When a customer is unaware or doesn't care about the clearly indicated glass fence that is the sneeze guard to kindly inform you by pointing to each and every topping that they want for their burrito.

Only monkeys point.

4. Gym Heads.

Post-workout protein is in order.  As a willing employee of course I would love to hear how much you lifted today.

What kind of diet are you on? Strawberry is your favourite BRO-TEIN shake! That's amazing. Now Fuck Off.

Gym head: "Can I have some extra chicken? The guns need their amo. *Insert flex here*". 

*Le sigh.

5. "Can I have a Cheeseburger/Kebeb/Pizza?"

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?

No Shit.

6. Hungry Hippos.

As loveable as the title seems 'Hungry Hippos' are the greediest customers of them all. Extra salsa, sour cream, mean, veggies, guac, extra EVERYTHING. It seems that these people have no limits and and will just never be satisfied. But most annoying of all, they are always surprised when the tortilla bursts.

What did you think was going to happen?

7. Couples.

Sometimes it's difficult being that person that asks "Paying together or separately?". 

Two things will either happen;

1. There will be a glance, usually from the female, to see if her date is wiling to spit up the 15 quid for the food. Which usually ends in an abrupt "Separately." from the other partner.

2.  A fight to death will occur right in front of you with the battle cry "I'll pay for it!", "Don't be silly, you paid for the cinema".

Either way, just give me the money.

8. "Da Ladz".

INCOMING! It's "Da ladz", and they're here for some serious grub. But what is grub without some lad banter. Each order will go through some serious amount of criticism and peer pressure.

"Here, Dano is only gettin' the mild salsa! What a pussy!"

"Why are ya gettin'  a bowl? That's for pussys!"

"A diet coke? Here lads! Paul's a pussy."

You get my drift.

 9. "That looks disgusting."/ "Ew. Why are you getting that?"/ "Those beans look like poo."

I am a burrito maker, not a ghost. We  burrito makers have feelings too. It's not our fault if the food we serve is not visually appealing to you. Honestly, when someone makes this remark you can't help but feel somewhat guilty and insulted.

Looks isn't everything you know.

10. "Can I have a Quesarito?"

No. Please no. I have 30 people waiting to order and you've gone and done this. Ordering a Quesarito is the burrito equivalent of someone ordering a Orange-Mocha Frappacino with no ice, exactly 10ml of soy milk, extra cream and an espresso shot in Starbucks.

Could you not?

11. Z-list Celebrities.

On the very rare occasion I have held the honour of serving a Z-list celebrity. Yes, the kind you see on the side of buses and on the odd television show. These people will attempt to make you feel like a peasant and get off from being recognised. The temptation to lather their order in the spiciest salsa there is can be too much.

Just grin and bear it.

12. "Can I have some of that garlic mayo sauce?"

It's sour cream. It's always been sour cream and it always will be sour cream. As much as I wish garlic mayo was available, its' just not. I advise that someone should start a petition on this one!

Garlic mayo for burritos 2015!

 13. *Pays for everything* "Oh, and a *enter side order here*". 

Here is your change and your receipt... you want WHAT? DOES "Would you like anything else?" MEAN NOTHING TO YOU? Let me just spend the next few minutes running around like a headless chicken trying to get your side order ready while trying to serve other customers.

14. Liar liar pants on fire.

You lose a lot of faith in humanity when working in a burrito place. Especially the honestly of people. Between customers chancing being a student, not actually having any proof or a card for being a student apart the odd Juggling society card, circa 2004. Or just "forgetting" to tell the cashier that there's guacamole on their burrito.

 

I don't forget. I never forget.

15. Tacos.

In a nutshell, Tacos are a bitch to make. They take a little longer to make, they're messy and awkward to fill. No burrito employee likes making them, no one.

16. Being on a diet.

Being on a diet and working in a burrito bar is the ultimate testament of self-control. All day you are surrounded by delicious-smelling food, which you know tastes amazing! Throughout the day you'll find yourselves drooling over customers orders, using your sleeve to wipe away excess saliva.

Sexy.

17.  Messy people.

There's nothing more annoying than a group of costumers leaving a trail a disaster in their wake.  There's chicken smushed into the floor, rice all over the seat, trays covered in salsa and napkins everywhere. It's time to get out the sweeping brush, blue roll and spray, cos we've got some extra cleaning to do.

Thanks Asshole.

18. "This is so complicated."

It's really really not. You pick your rice, your meat or veggies and your toppings. That's it. This is most common among new customers who approach the counter with a combining look of fear and enchantment. You feel the obligation to really take care of them as they are totally lost.

It's ok, take my hand.

19. Small talk with customers... about Burritos.

"Do you ever get sick of them?"/"Working here must be great!". I have a ten hour shift ,this is my fourth day in a row working and i'm hungover to fuck, of course that means I love working here! of course I never get sick of burritos! Truth be told, we do get sick of burritos from time to time, but we're too ashamed to tell you that... and the manager is right beside me.

20. The End Result.

You don't have to even be working in a burrito place to know what comes out the other side. To put it nicely, cleaning the toilets of a burrito bar can be a pretty smelly job. You are almost guaranteed a shit stain or two, the men's bathroom requires a gas mask in order to clean it and the toilet paper, well it doesn't last long.

 

No me gusta.

 21. Drunk People.

Burritos are beloved by most of the hungry public, but if there's one thing i've learnt from working in a burrito bar is that drunk people f*cking love burrtios. It could be 3am or 3pm, drunk customers can be expected to stumble their merry way up to the counter at any time of the day. What is unique about the drunk customer is that they do not hold a single annoyance about them, but manage to combine all of thee above into a single order. They are magically rude, messy and ignorant.