Us ladies have a lot to prepare for, in advance of the summer months rolling around. Unlike our male counterparts, there is planning and organising to be done before the summer kicks in. So here, for all of you ladies who may not be totally organised as of yet, is the official summer checklist. On your marks...
1) The Importance Of Tanning
Summer brings out a deep seated fear of a little thing I like to call, "pale skin exposure." The very thoughts of having to bare our frighteningly white legs to the world, is terrifying on a whole new scale. There's only one thing for it, I'm afraid. Let's break out the fake tan. There's no question about it, other than which tan to use of course. Sally Hansen, Cocoa Brown or are you a spray tanner? If so, swit swoo, get you!
2) De-fuzzing
The bane of every single girls existence. No man will ever fully understand the deep trauma that comes from having to shave sunburned legs. Yes, it is as horrendous as it sounds. Much more than you can ever imagine, in fact. But at the end of the day, we'll try and convince you that no, we're actually this smooth naturally. I'm your Venus...
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3) Summer Clothes
Dressing summer appropriately, is a difficult task at the best of times. Once the sun hits, you'll see a stampede of flustered looking women impatiently queuing with 16 pairs of flip flops and 5 tiny string tops, in arm. We may only get nine days of sun every summer, but by God, we'll make sure we get the wear out of our summer wardrobe.
4) A Selection of Sunglasses
On behalf of all hot men appreciators everywhere, I'd like to take this opportunity to personally thank whatever God invented sunglasses. For what would we be, without sunglasses? Caught creeps as opposed to just plain creeps, that's what. Sunglasses disguise the clear creeping that so very many of us engage in. Oh if only they knew how many different directions our eyes are flying around in at this very moment in time. *Creep creep*.
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5) Diet And Exercise Overhaul
Usually around late April or the beginning of May, or whenever the need to wear a hoodie to bed ceases, we tell ourselves that this is going to be the year. The year in which we will don a bikini and not feel the urge to lie down in the sand and cover ourselves. The year in which we will go for five runs a week and eat salad every day for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Hold on a second, breakfast? Weirdo. If you haven't yet succumbed to the pressures of a healthier summer then now is the time to start girl. One salad a day will make a difference. Apparently.
6) A Car Friend
If you too are one of those unfortunates who can neither drive nor owns a car, then get yourself out there and find a car friend. A car friend is an essential element of any ladies summer. They can drive you places, you can cruise the town for some hot beures and road trips are now within your grasp. Winning.
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7) A Variety Of Reading Material
Let's face it, there are bound to be some boring days and nights in your summer schedule at some stage. Not all of us can have the time of our lives, what with being poor and all. To avoid injuring those around you during your times of frustration and anger, ensure to have a number of decent books or magazines ready and rearing to go. If you're not fond of the reading, then you won't be reading this anyway, so I won't need to worry about solving your problems here. Go forth and expand your mind.
8) Money Money Money
A large chunk of ladies are likely to be sitting at home right now with not a shilling to their name, as Mammy would say. Being woken up every morning by herself to the sounds of, "you may get the feck up now and get a job", is not good for the soul. Or the ears. Do whatever it takes to get some dollah bills into the bank account, believe me when I say, you're going to have an utterly shit summer, counting the car seat change otherwise.
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9) A Hot Man
A hot man makes everything better. So if you have chosen to ignore all of my above pointers, at least follow this wise piece of advice, if I do say so myself. Any single ladies out there, put your hands up. Now, I bet that has attracted some male attention. The rest is up to you. You are most welcome.
10) Tickets To Some Social Event
The festival bragging season is now in full swing. "OMG my Baby got me EP tickets. Love you so much Hun." Excuse us, whilst we clear up the vom induced by that status. Expect your Facebook feed to be polluted with thousands of identical pictures of drunk people covered in crap and drinking cans in a field. There's only one remedy for that. Join them. You know you want to.
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11) Camera Happy
What girl can call herself a girl, if she does not own a decent camera, be it the shitty digital ones that did the rounds back in 2011, or the two she now has, on her sparkly new iphone. As every girl knows, something is not classified as having happened, unless it was photographed and then shared on social media for the world and it's Granny to see. Let selfie season commence.
12) A few Tunes
What triggers summer memories (aside from seeing last summers shifting buddy) better, than hearing summer tunes. Crack out the ipod, change all of your sad, winter songs up and throw on some uplifting, shift worthy bangers. You'll feel all the better for it and best of all, at all of the summer sessions, yours will be the most lusted after ipod of all. Hellooooooo there Miss Popular.
