Us girls are fascinating creatures, and once a drink hits our lips, we say things that we cannot control. There is a lot to be said for "being drunk doesn't count as an excuse" because, let me tell you something, sometimes it does. We can say things that we would never ever dream of saying sober. Instead of telling the truth when drunk, the harsh reality is we talk absolute utter shite. Be warned, if a woman is very drunk in your presence take what she says with a pinch of salt. But if you can drink as much as anyone and never face embarrassment, good for you, you are super human. It is time to talk about Things Drunk Girls Say That They Never Would Sober.
1) "I'm texting/calling him!"
Stop right there, put the phone down. You will regret this, and the fear that will take over your body tomorrow could kill you. I'm being serious, never consider this when drunk, you are not yourself. Stop it.
2) "Let's get the shift!"
When a woman is on a mission there is no stopping her. So when one of your friends lets out this freeing phrase terrible things will happen. She will either be utterly disappointed if she kisses no one or score someone she will regret.
3) "Shottttts!"
You hate shots when you're sober, hell, you're not even someone who enjoys a casual drink after college. But you are drunk and things have changed. And all you will shout for the first 40 minutes in the club is "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!".
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4) "I need food!!"
Even though you had a perfectly big dinner, and it is a mere 5 hours later, all you can think about is food. You have gotten this idea in your head and you will huff and puff until you convince a guy or girl to go with you. Then you proceed to eat like you never have before.
5) "I don't need these heels"
Your heels have become your worst nightmare. You now hate them and vow never to wear them again. Instead of grinning and bearing it you chuck them off and carry them around like a handbag. No shoes will define how your night will be.
6) "I'm actually looking so well"
You are now well on your way to being absolutely hammered. And all the flaws you found in yourself before you left the house are long forgotten. You now are a lioness and you are ready to roar. You look in the mirror and you know you are the hottest one here. Your confidence has raised your standards and you can take on the world.
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7) "I hate myself"
No matter how self-conscious a girl may be there is no way she is letting you know that when she's sober. But when drunk it all is starting to come out. The drink has heightened every insecurity and you are blubbering like a baby. You saying "I hate myself" repeatedly is never going to get you a man.
8) "He doesn't have a girlfriend"
Yes, he does and you know it. But the drunken haze you are in has actually led you to believe quite the opposite. You would never approach him sober but now you have. You are going to regret this in the morning.
9) "Yeah we will definitely meet up soon"
You have seen old friends or old boyfriends. You decide in your drunken self that you have got to meet up with them and catch up. You are making this promise. They are making the promise. And neither one of you has a fecking notion in keeping it. You hug goodbye knowing well there will be no such meeting.
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10) "Yeah I'll have a drink"
Since the drinks are most certainly flowing, when a guy offers you a free drink you are going to take it. The problem here is he now thinks you're into him. So, when you bail it will be embarrassing for him and you will look like a right bitch disappearing into the distance. But come on we are students on limited funds so it is hard to turn down a drink. Put it this way, would you take the drink off him if you were sober? Yeah, didn't think so.
11) "I'll text you tomorrow"
You have no intention of texting this boy tomorrow. And, while you think you are being really slick as you walk away, to "spend time with your friends", the guy is realizing you never gave him your number. Again you would not have responded like this unless you were heavily intoxicated.
12) "Drinks on me!"
Your part time job at the weekends is hardly paying you top dollar. But once that Tequila hits your tongue you feel like you are the women about town. This feeling of wealth is seeping into your brain and you offer to buy a round of drinks "just cos". Your words, not mine. Queue the next morning when you wake up and open your bag to see receipts for €50. Why oh why do we do this to ourselves?
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13) "Look at all the fucks I give!"
Something has happened that has allowed you to tell the club that you don't give a sh*t. You are drunk, sloppy and looking for love. Even if the conversation has nothing remotely to do with you it doesn't matter. You want to shout this from the top of your lungs.
14) "You are so pretty!"
You are feeling happy, you are feeling loving and you are appreciating the beauty that is around you. You proceed to tell a friend, female or male, or walker by, just how good looking you think they are. This proceeds to them thinking you have a lesbian crush on them or else you want in. It's nice to compliment people but when drunk it can come across much worse.
15) "I fucking hate you"
Quite the contrary to the previous statement, you are mad for no reason and you need to unleash this anger. Anyone is your victim and they will experience the drunk wrath you have been keeping so sacred. The person you attack may vary but your anger will remain the same.
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16) "He's hot, right?"
If you have got to ask he most likely isn't. You would never question yourself when you were sober so why now? You are quite tipsy and feeling more accepting. Step away from the boy. He is not what you have come here for.
17) "Oh yeah he cheated on you"
It is not the time or place to tell that girl you know briefly that her boyfriend has cheated on her. Now, you will have to deal with this one on a horrendous hangover tomorrow.
18) "Fuck the police!"
You should very much not shout "fuck the police" as they are standing right in front of you. When you are sober you treat them with respect and avoid eye contact. Do this now and walk away.
19) "I'll never drink again!"
You vow to yourself after you realize the level of drunk you have to succumb to. Again, this will not stick because you are drinking again tomorrow night and you are looking forward to it.
