Right, that's it. I've had it. I've had it with pretending that us women don't give a shit. We do give a shit. We give a shit when we spent two hours prepping for a date and all we get in response is 'are you good to go?' We give a shit when you blow us off for another night with the boys, and we more than give a shit when we come home in a bad mood and you don't hug us. Men, buckle up, here are things us woman want you to know, once and for all:
1) Periods hurt like a motherfucker.
I know that you think they're just an excuse we use to lose our minds and cry for 25% of any given month, but you are wrong. They hurt really, really badly, we feel fat, spotty, bloated, uncomfortable and pretty crazy, at the best of times. So please, be gentle and don't act as though we repulse you.
2) We tell basically everything to either our mother, sister or best friend.
Well, within reason but yes, our secrets are our mother's/ sister's/ friend's secrets. We don't mean to tell everyone everything, it's just that unlike you, keeping our secrets bottled up kills us a little on the inside. Consider it counselling, if you will.
3) Our girl talks are just as filthy as your lad ones.
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Because contrary to belief, women's minds are just as tainted with thoughts of smut and debauchery. WInky face.
4) No, it's not in the slightest bit ok to be friends with your ex.
So don't even think about going there. Leave your ex's where they belong. Outdoors. Only joking, in the past. (Ahem.)
5) Women dress for other women, your input is completely irrelevant.
Honestly, we really don't care what you think about our high-waisted jeans, our clumpy boots or our jumpsuits, we love them, our friends love them and who even are you anyway?
6) Don't presume that we can sew, bake or cook, purely because we have a vagina.
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This is so far removed from cool, you can't even see the remnants of the word. It's 2015 so shut your mouth and whip out your toolbox.
7) We'd quite like it if you said 'I love you' more often.
Well, it's always nice to hear, for a start. If you could say it without being prompted, then bonus points for you. Oh and mean it please.
8) Please show some form of appreciation when we spend hours getting ready.
We look ok, fine, grand, funny, do we? Who do you think we've just spent hours ironing our hair, contouring our faces and discarding nine-tenths of our wardrobe for? A smudge of appreciation would be great.
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9) When we say we feel fat, always ALWAYS tell us we're talking nonsense.
Never, EVER agree with us because I promise you, that won't end well and by well, I mean we'll probably cry and then dump you.
10) We love it when you come to us for advice. LOVE IT.
Men are utterly useless at conveying their emotions at the best of times, so when they actually spill their innermost worries onto us, we lap it right up. Do it more often, please.
11) Calling a cheater a 'Lad', just isn't cool. Like ever.
It just makes it look as though you'd be up for a little cheating of your own. Nice one dickwad.
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12) We know exactly what your ex-girlfriend looks like, but clearly we'll pretend otherwise.
Not just that, we actually know her middle name, where she went to school (both primary and secondary) and what her most recent online friendship looks like, but when you mention her, we're all like, which one is that again?
13) No matter how long we're together, I still have no idea of what presents to get you.
Seriously. None, whatsoever. So if you'd like to just go ahead and drop a few subtle hints from time to time, I'd really find that helpful.
14) No, I assure you, we don't appreciate being whistled at on the street.
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Men need to stop this, immediately. We hate this on every single level imaginable. On the way home from college, hungry and tired, is not a time to hang out of your shitty little shit mobile and jeer at us. Actually, no time is ok for this, so fuck off and stop immediately.
15) You're probably acting like an imbecile online, but nobody has the heart to tell you.
From fraping your friends with imaginative gems such as 'I'm gay', to poking random hot girls and liking everything you can possibly lay your beady little eyes upon, basically everything you do in the cyber world makes us cringe, but finding the words to tell you this is rather difficult. Calm down, basically.
16) Do not refer to any girl as a slut, it's just not cool.
Why? Why is ok to call us sluts if we enjoy sex, but to present your male friends with a figurative medal and a slap on the back for doing the same thing? Ponder that in all of its wrongness, why don't you.
17) Treat us as well as you'd like a man to treat your sister, so basically, don't be a dick.
Follow the mantra, 'don't be a dick' for the rest of your adult life and you'll be fine, I reckon. Chin up lads, you could be worse, I suppose. Maybe...
