It's January people and you know what that means? I'll tell you what that means. It means consistent amounts of wankers hashtaging pictures of green juice that they have no intention of drinking. It means the price in gym membership sky rockets because it appears that eighty five percent of the population are oblivious to the fact that running outside is free. It means listening to your eight stone friend complain about how 'fat' they've become over Christmas, when, if anything, they've lost weight. Yes, January is a grim time for us all. Our waistlines, livers and general mediocre reputations are just a tattered shadow of their former selves and all around us, people are succumbing to the shitty shitty trend that is dry January and now you feel as though maybe it's something you should do too. Here's the thought process of a student considering dry January;
1) "I'm so fucking fat, cutting out alcohol is basically the same thing as going to the gym anyway."
If only this was true, a drop of the good stuff would never pass my lips. Most of us, the sane ones anyway, would rather an occasional sober night than hours spent crying on a treadmill. As much fun as a night on the tiles with half of Jamesons brewery brewing inside of you is, the effects of it the next day can tarnish even the most fun of times. Bloated and not so fabulous.
2) "If I don't go out for all of January, I'll be so rich by February."
When I attempt to calculate the vast quantities of cash that I've wasted on nights that were forgotten immediately after they happened, I actually have to sit down on the ground and weep until I can weep no more. Night after night, year after year, we seem to see no problem in throwing our hard earned cash at overpriced liquefied sugar. Some of us never learn.
3) "Think of how productive I'll be in college with no hangovers and thoughts of drink teasing me."
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Also think of how bored you'll be, all of the time. You have nothing to look forward to. Nothing to distract you. Nothing. Just nothing. Think about that. Think about how utterly boring your time will be. THINK.
4) "Perhaps now is the time to join Tinder and find the long lost love of my life."
Since you won't be out trawling the bars and flirting your way across the country, you must find another (sober) way to get your bit. It's not easy, in fact, you'll find that actually having to talk to people, actually having to communicate and show the very best non drunk side of yourself is exceptionally tough. Being sociable while being sober is actually rather difficult, believe it or not.
5) "I must redeem the last shatters of my dignity and prove to people that I am not an alcoholic."
After ruining your reputation what was likely to be numerous times over the Christmas period, you've decided that now is the time to right your wrongs. You will now prove to everyone that you spoke such shit to, that you are in fact a sensible, intelligent human being. They'll have forgotten about your dribbling in no time.
6) "I must also get onto the nightclub and get them to take those fucking pictures down."
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Great night, you have now been tagged in six(ty) pictures. By the club. So it's really, really difficult to message them with blackmailing threats about their internet activity in a bid to get those pictures away from prying eyes. Just subtly beg them on the sly and hope for the very best.
7) "Good god my skin will sparkle with health and wellness."
Well if nothing else it's bound to sparkle from the the absence of alcohol. As most of us know, waking up from a wild night means not just waking up with a terrible hangover, but also a generous smattering of spots. Dehydration really does make us look and feel beautiful. Laying off the drink will almost certainly help you look a little better. Note, I said a little, it's not a miracle worker.
8) "January is a long month."
You'll probably discover this on the second week when fourteen days have never felt so long. Thirty one days will fly by in your idealistic, alcohol scarce dreamland. In reality though, time has never dragged so much and the sweats are beginning to creep in.
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9) "My body will be so deprived of alcohol that come next month, it'll only take three pints to get me pissed."
That's the hope anyway. Consider it a reward for staying on the bandwagon for such a long time. You've earned this right to have cheap nights and be an uber easy date. Every cloud and all that.
10) "I feel as though people will really respect me for this. I'll prove how strong willed I really am."
They won't. I mean, it's not as though you're saving hungry babies or participating in an Iron Man charity run. Sure, to you it's essentially the same thing but to the rest of the world you're just a hungover idiot promising falsities. You show them who's boss.
11) "Oh you're going out tonight? Ok I'll go and drink fizzy water."
If this happens then I'll sit through an entire football match and I assure you, that's not something that I promise to anyone. It's one thing to promise that you're not going out, but to go out and listen to drunken idiots while remaining sober yourself? Well, that's a whole other ball game.
12) "Oh pints....."
I know I made a promise...It's just that those pints of yours smell so delicious and I'm so damn thirsty. One won't make a difference. Three pints please.
13) "Fuck it. There's always next year."
Nice try. You failure.
