What A Guys Clothes Reveal About Him

A man's wardrobe says a lot about the man. Some wardrobes need to shut the f*ck up, or else we'll be sick.

1. Boot Cut Jean-Guy

Boot Cut Jean: When a pair of jeans decide they want to taper out into such a shape that could accommodate a clown shoe, never mind a 'boot.'

Guy is: A product of a late 1990's youth. Has never developed a meaningful thought pattern beyond survival. Thinks the word 'Aesthetic' is a kind of glue he should have in the house. Will also wear t-shirts with logos about a major city on them. And a belt. A brown belt.

He's: 23- 35

And He Thinks: Occasionally

We Think: Your jeans are fraying at the bottom

 

2. The Sport-Guy

Various sports tops, team hoodies, running shoes, cotton tracksuit pants.

Guy is: Sporty; so he wears sports things.

He's: 9- 99

And He Thinks: I love sports. I really do.

We Think: You love sports

 

3. Health Goth-Guy

Oversized t-shirts (usually in a black/white/grey), hoods with zips, running shoes, baggy shorts with running leggings underneath, various tattoos/piercings.

Guy is: An off-shoot into the wasteland of a 21st century now stripped of a stable understanding or acceptance of what a hipster even is anymore

He's: 16-25

And He Thinks: I like sports now, who knew? It's fine I'm probably being ironic.

We think: Can you do it on a rainy Tuesday night in Stoke?

 

4. Fast-Fashion Follower-Guy

Anything out of Zara, Topman, H&M.

Guy is: Coveting anything thats just popped up in any fast fashion store. Regardless of fit or colour he has to buy it. If its mid-to-high-priced and is a less than perfect copy of a runway trend, its his. And thats it.

He's: 17-38

And He Thinks: White Leather Jacket with subtle, small tassels? My wife of two years will love this.

We think: ...Yeah, why not.

 

5. Wannabe Prepster-Guy

Boat shoes, stripe shirts, pastel green knee-length shorts, WayFarer sunglasses, chunky cardigans, healthy tan.

Guy is: Aspiring to look like someone in those black and white photos that take up the space in photo frames we buy in shops

He's: 9-78

And He Thinks: I am healthy and balanced

We Think: He looks healthy and balanced

6. Doesn't Give Any Of The Shits-Guy

Can be found wearing anything: 

Crocs with flannel trousers (non-ironically),

A rain beater with a local swimming pool logo on the front, matched with cheap, black polyester trousers that come with their own fake leather belt.

I could go on.

Guy is: Currently not giving any shits.

He's: Not defined by age.

And He Thinks: I don't give a shit

We Think: Please give a shit.

 

7. You Still Haven't Got The Tan Yeezy's?-Guy

Guy is: Gloating

He's: 17-32 and wearing the tan Yeezy's

And He Thinks: I would've beat Kanye AND Tyler in a race in my Yeezy's.

We Think: Shut the f*ck up...they're probably fake anyways. Plus they're ugly as fuck.

 

8. Doesn't Give Any Of The Shits, But It Actually Works For Him-Guy

He could be wearing a unicorn t-shirt with birkenstocks (thats actually a solid Coachella outfit, Brieknstocks are so back...but you already know that).

I was also going to say he could be wearing a bucket-hat. But they're currently having a moment again like Birkenstocks. So I don't know.

 

Guy is: Currently not giving any shits.

He's: Not defined by age.

And He Thinks: I don't give a shit.

We Think: You do do, you magnificently weird creature.

 

9. The 'I Wish His Mother Still Dressed Him'- Guy

Guy is: Dressing himself; it's not going well.

He's: At the age when an over-bearing mother stops informing a son's sense of fashion.

And He Thinks: Why is this another element of life I must take control of?

We Think: Come to peace with the fact that you will end up trying to find a girlfriend that reminds you of your mother, and who will help you live. You know it's going to happen.

10. His Clothes Always Smell Like Root-Vegetables-Guy

Guy is: Always smelling of Veg. It shouldn't define how we view him and how he presents himself to the world through his 'dress', but it does and he's not smelling overly fab.

He's: His age is irrelevant. His smell ascends seasonal growing patterns, and he may grow a secret stash of 'erbbbb too. He definitely does. Plus he's a vegan.

And He Thinks: Why are you over there?

We Think: I want to be farther away from you

12. Chill Grunge-Guy

Vintage Ralph Lauren shirts, beat up vans, dad-jeans rolled up, wants to be Mac Demarco (Who is most chill. He's not the issue here)

 

Guy is: Looking up Pitchfork to see who to follow on Spotify.

He's: 15-24

And He Thinks: I think I would love it if Earl Sweatshirt make a record with Courtney Barnett (side-by-side artists on the 'Best New Music' link)

We Think: Earl should just go outside and hug someone; you should stop trying-to-not-try so hard.

 

13. His Drug Defines His Fashion-Guy

Guy is:

Weed: Wearing those patterned, material-y, chunky, hempy, scratchy, Peruvian hoodies that seem to be making a comeback in every art college around the world. They invariably smell like shit and were not bought while 'travelling myyaaaan' but were procured after much time and research- in an expensive ethnic import shop in town. These things never see the inside of a washing machine.

 

Cocaine: Hard to spot, but a big terrifying smile and pumping forehead veins will mark him out. He's probably the muscle bound G-Star and SuperDry wearing dude in the middle of things, reeking of aftershave, and that bit older than everyone else- yelling out something maad like "She is RID- ONKULOUS!!" or "Ohhh man I NAILED her and it was AMAZEBALLS" Mmm. Yeah cause Im sure you can maintain an erection m8.

 

MDMA: Clashing prints, colours and an ironic tee featuring Dinobabies or something that will easily ignite the old familiar vacuous conversation. He may have a smear of facepaint on the cheek, and most likely a touch of glitter. This guy is 'everybody's friend'.

 

He's: Out of it

And He Thinks: Bit high

We Think: Shut up.

 

Video: What Guys' Shoes Say About Them

 

Credit: Robbie Sherrard