Love is a spook. It's just a marketing tool used to sell flowers, jewellery, and copies of The Notebook on Blu-Ray. You may think you're in love, but that feeling is transient and is doomed to a cold entropy as it fades into distaste, or worse; apathy.
Here are our seven reasons why love is a myth and why you'll die alone on the couch in front of the season finale of Ru Paul's Drag Race.
1. You and your significant other are young, immature idiots
If you're under 26 then you're probably just an idiot child masquerading as an adult, don't argue, we know how many of you downloaded Pokemon Go!. You don't have the maturity or mental capacity to love, what you are feeling is nothing a cocktail of hormones, neediness, and Facebook status updates.
2. You're only with them because it's easier than being alone
You've talked yourself into the idea that it's love. How else could you have languished in each other's company for all this time?
If you really inspect it though the foundation of your love is simply your mutual fear of being alone. You look at each other and you know there's nothing there, but it's better than the uncertainty of solitude.
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Also, you've left a lot of your stuff at their place and the hassle of getting it all back.
3.You're merely fulfilling your biological imperative.
Free will is an illusion, you are merely performing a set subroutines designated by your instincts. You're little more than a biological machine, built to fulfil a singular function; spread your genes.
Love is merely a series of chemical signals that influence your behaviour into patterns optimal for the survival of the gene.
4. They're only with you because they can't afford a cat
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The only reason you're around is that your presence helps alleviate some of your partner's existential loneliness, much in the same way a cat would. A cat can be expensive though, and you can at least feed yourself. As soon as they can afford a moggy though, you're gone.
5. Science is your one true love
Though you play out the motions you know that your relationship is a facade. You don't need human warmth when you have science.
All that truly matters to you is the gentle ballet of electrons around nuclei, the flirty percolations of your chemistry, and the high PSI pneumatics you built into your realistic sex-bot with 3 self-lubricating sockets, adjustable speed, and karate chop action.
6. Your lover is actually a stack of scorpions haphazardly crammed into a man-suit
Why are the good ones always a chittering heap of stinging arachnids thinly restrained by a skin suit that comes apart at your touch; flooding your room in a cascade of pincers and envenomed barbs? You open your mouth to scream, only to have it filled by a writhing mass of stinging chitin.
If this happens, then I'm sorry, the love ain't there, sugar.
