Tinder went down for several hours last night, forcing thousands of people to find some other way to listlessly fish for casual sex.
In case this nightmare scenario ever happens again here's our alternatives to help you cope
1. Try going to an actual pub
Tinder is for cowards, true bravery is getting dressed, going out, and continually drinking until you've lowered your inhibitions to the point where you can make inelegant advances on your crush.
2. Ask your parents to arrange it for you
In the old days marriages were arranged by the two parties, so why can't your passionless, blank-eyed one night stand be the same?
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3. Write into lonely heart sections in newspapers
Once the sole purview of weirdos and serial killers, in the case of a Tinder black-out it may be your only hope.
There isn't any room for pictures so it's best to simply state how much land you own and whether it has road frontage or not.
4. Calling the numbers you find on bathroom stall walls
Your desperation has reached a fever pitch, somehow your crush didn't succumb to you booze-addled charms, what went wrong? Was it because you dribbled a little?
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You're in the bathroom when you notice a phone number scrawled on the wall . "FONE 4 SUM HEAVY FUCKIN", the shambolic graffiti says. "Why not?", you think to yourself.
5. Send your mate to ask your crush, 'Will you shift me friend?'
Regress to the teen disco favourite. Send a friend as an envoy of your seduction, sure it's a little pathetic, sure it's not exactly mature, but rejection is scary.
6. Carving your face and directions to your house on a tree
Carve a rough simulacrum of your face into a tree and wait for those 'outdoorsy' types to come cascading in. For more urban individuals try carving your visage into a table in a pub, park bench, or a stray dog.
7. Stand in the street shouting "SEX PLEASE"
Turn your face up to the uncaring sky and let lose a long sonorous mating call, like the noble bullfrog.
