Calm Down! 16 Things Not To Say In A Lesbian Relationship

Knowing the right thing to say to your partner can be challenging in any relationship, but when it's girl-on-girl...well, it's just that much worse. God knows us women are peculiar creatures that can throw a bitch fit at the drop of a hat, so you can imagine the effort required to try and keep two girls happy at the same time. Here are some things you definitely shouldn't say if you're in a lesbian relationship...

1) "Your make-up looks fine."

After three hours of applying, touching up, glossing, lining and reapplying, my make-up should look bloody fabulous. You telling me my face looks “fine” is like me telling you I’m going back to men. Aka, fucked up.

2) "Okay."

Bitch please, things are definitely not okay if all you can muster up is a one-word reply to my four paragraph text.

3) "Ooh Zac is in it, can we watch it again?"

If you love Zac Efron so much, why are you even a lesbian? Who do you think you’re fooling? WELL?

4) "It's not as if she liked it anyway."

Just because your best friend doesn’t enjoy kissing you doesn’t make it okay. Who’s the lesbian in a relationship here?

5) "Is that what you're wearing?"

Yes, this is what I’m wearing. If you have a problem with that, go cry to Zac about it.

6) "Calm down."

I can't even actually deal with you right now.

7) "Woah, check out her rack."

Oh yeah, ‘cause you’re in a completely boobless relationship aren’t you? You poor thing.

8) "What did you do to your hair?"

What did you do to your face?

9) "It's fine, no-one will notice."

Granted, you may not notice the huge bazooka of a spot growing on my forehead but I’m sure every other person I meet today will. Don’t tell me shit is fine when clearly THIS SHIT IS NOT FINE.

10) "You look cute."

So did your two-year-old cousin when we visited him last week. Cute is not a word you should associate with your girlfriend. Especially when she’s as drop-dead gorgeous as me. *Does trout pout*

11) "What did you even see in him?"

His penis. That’s what I saw in him. And that’s why I’m on your team now, k?

12) "Your friend looks hot tonight."

Sorry, I would introduce the two of you, but you see that pole over there? That’s how straight she is. That’s also the pole I’ll use to smash your brain out if you even look in her direction again. Jokes, ahem.

13) "Didn't you wear that yesterday?"

I sure did. And I’ll be wearing it again tomorrow. Possibly the day after too, if the pit stains aren’t visible. Now…sex?

14) "Is your brother around?"

I really don’t think he’s interested in hooking up with someone that knows how to arouse women better than he does. Or with someone that has slept with his younger sister either, for that matter.

15) "Did you renew your gym membership yet?"

Start running now bitch.

16) "Make me a sandwich."

Does this look in any way like a “traditional” relationship to you? If this was the 1950's, you’d be burning at the stake for even fantasizing about a woman making you a sandwich. How will they know what you’re thinking? The witches will tell them, obviously.