Women. We're a lovely breed. Calm, cool, collected and above all else, excellent creepers. We can be your best friend or your worst enemy and the most confusing part of all is that we treat our friends like we hate them and our enemies with such love that they're beginning to think we want to shift the head off them. If you're a lucky enough man to be with one of these wonderful creatures, then at some point in your relationship you'll probably end up living with a girlfriend. Here's all you need to know in order to survive;
11) Mood Swings
It is a common belief that women are more prone to mood swings than men. This belief is true, however don't go pointing that finger of smugness just yet, we can't help it about 65 percent of the time. This percentage is likely to be a result of either men, our friends, or men. The other percent we will blame on hormones and shit. If you find yourself living with women with regular mood swings then don't mention the fact that they're kind of scaring you a little or a lot really. Do not ask her if she's "on tom" because that may make her want to gauge your "piggy little eyes out" and don't ask her why she's moody, that'll really push her over the edge. "I'm not moody, why would you say that? Why do you have to be SUCH a dick." Dear God people, don't anger it.
10) Get Back In The Kitchen
The first few weeks of living with a girlfriend will probably be a learning curve for all you men out there. There is likely to be tension over the smallest of things such as picking up your socks or washing up your manly cup that's lived in the sink for 6 days coated in tea scum. The typical man will try and break the tension by making 'hilarious quips' such as "get back in the kitchen" and "why didn't you wash my clothes, you're the woman." Oh it's all so hilarious all right, until she boxes you into the balls and you nearly cry. Suffer it and learn for next time.
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9) Dietary Requirements
Up until now you've only lived at home with Mammy dearest and in student accommodation neither of which has prepared you for the true test of cooking for a woman. Your mother fed you five times a day, don't even try and deny it, we know, you know it, she knows it. Times have changed now cowboy. There won't be a bowl of porridge and a copy of the Independent awaiting you anymore. College taught you nothing about food except that Centra charges more for Coco Pops than Tesco does and that pasta isn't as filling as it initially seems. Now you're going to have cop on to your life and get in the kitchen. We will not be cooking for you. Depending on how whipped you are it'll be all up to you from now on. It is also imperative that you master the art of making us perfect tea. Your way is probably wrong so learn fast. Thanks.
8) Mess
Unless you're one of those super neat OCD type of men (marry me?) then you're likely to be in the mass percentage of slobs out there. Nothing tests a relationship more than when you leave your skid marks all over the toilet bowl and try to hide it from her, that and leaving the toilet seat up. It gets our blood pressure up. If she gets past that you're sorted. You may tell us from the very beginning that you're clean. Then we see your room and puke in our mouths a little. You should know that we've resolved to beat this out of you. Not physically (if your girlfriend does that, then maybe don't move in with her.) From now on your room will be clean, sock free, wet towel on the ground free(stop doing that, all men do and it makes us want to hurt you) and will have loads of other pointless knick knacks and shit dotted around the place. Embrace it or go away because it's staying that way.
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7) Product Placement
It is extremely likely that you'll have a mini spaz attack when you both first unpack all of your stuff and you realise that she has no less than nineteen suitcases worth of hair products alone. Don't ask why she needs all of that stuff. She does. Also do not question the fact that she takes up all of the bathroom with her array of face products whilst your razor is sitting on top of the toilet. Her needs are always greater then yours. This is key. You can get your own back by robbing her fancy shampoo, stronger hair better shine? Yes please!
6) Goodbye FIFA
Finding an Irish man who doesn't have an interest in sport is like trying to find a virgin in Coppers, fucking impossible. Matches are the very bane of many a girls existence. Not all of course, if you are one of the sporty girls then congratulations, you'll never be single. For the rest of us though listening to match talk is the equivalent of taking a run instead of hitting the town on a Saturday night, just fucking stupid. Be safe in the knowledge dear men, we will make you change the channel irregardless of whether or not its "the big one". We couldn't care less to be honest. It's a ball. Maybe you should grow some.
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5) Hair Clips Horror
Apparently girls shed hair clips like a lizard shedding its skin. I think that's nonsense. We just like to leave our mark. Yes you may find the occasional one in the shower, on the couch, in your pillow or even your pocket but honestly, they're so multi-functional. (hair arrangement/ lock picking, so many needs covered.) Offer her a deal. You'll pick up all of your malteser packets and she'll cut down on the hair clips. Pretty promise.
4) Nuggets Of Knowledge
Expect to absorb loads of useful information when you're living with a woman. Examples include- why men are stupid, fascinating insights into the psychotic female way of thinking, bitching until the cows come home and tips on how to spot a bitch. See that girl over there? She's definitely a bitch, you can tell by the way she does her eye makeup. You'll come home one day and notice a large stash of Cosmo magazines have appeared in your room. Read them, you'll gain so much female insight. Another thing you'll notice when you've been living with a woman for a while is that men are generally much nicer human beings. Women on the other hand, we're all a shower of bitches.
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3) Girl-friends
Expect to see a lot more of your girlfriends friends. I do hope you like them (or can at least tolerate them) because they're going to be around a lot from now on.) You'll probably have to lock yourself in your room to escape all of the ear piercingly loud laughter. What the hell could girls laugh about for five continual hours you ask? You'll find out that answer when you're brave enough(or are forced)to sit in on a marathon girl bonding tea session/ counselling session because of some dickwad. It's all going to make you want to play fifa, until you remember you're not allowed at which point you'll probably slink off to your newly cleaned floral room and cry.
2) Drunk Awakening
Remember those times when you lived separately and you got drunk texts from her at three in the morning? Now that you live together you're going to get the real live version. Any racy thoughts running through your mind right now are going to be very short lived. She'll come home from a girls night out, bang the door open and then get ready for bed in the loudest (she wouldn't wake a fly she reckons) manner possible. Shoes go flying in five directions, she'll probably fall and when she eventually gets into bed she'll "wake you up" by turning on the light and saying hi. Then she'll pass out immediately and you're wiiiiide awake for the next two hours. Bring back drunk texting.
1) In Good Company
You may now be shitting yourself having read all of the above. Yes, moving in with your girlfriend is a tad scary and she will be too, but at the end of the day it's the ultimate test. If you can go to sleep beside the crazy bitch who shouts at you for leaving you shit covered shoes on the carpet and sticks her hair grips into your face at night and still love coming home to see her the vast majority of the time, then you''ll be ok. Just don't ask her to get back in the kitchen or you'll be back home with the mother before you know it.
