The Morning After - Handle It With Dignity And Pride

We've all been there.

It's Sunday morning. Your eyes can't open, but when they do you look around slowly at first. This is all interesting. That floor doesn't look familiar. That ceiling is unusual. Your mind ponders your strange surroundings. Curiouser and curiouser.

This morning is getting stranger by the second. Your eyes fully adjust and then you look over and see a head. You can hear a sound emanating from the head.
It's breathing. You freeze.
Is this their house?

You get that sensation that tells you - something went down here last night.

Panic sets in. This all feels very unfamiliar.
You mind will start to work now. Like getting a car to start on a cold Winter's morning sometimes it just takes a few turns of the ignition to get the gas flowing..
It will come like a slap in the face though and you will realize you are in the company of one night stand material.
You have come home with someone who was possibly a relative stranger and done the deed with them.

If you are in unfamiliar territory fear not- we have some tips to get you through the next hour of extracting yourself from this situation and returning home, pride and dignity intact.

First things first. Try and get a look at the specimen. Hot or not? This is important to establish.
If they are a total dog and you are bowled over with shame then you must follow the following steps1 and 2 only.

If they are OK or above average then proceed to steps 3 -

1)

If they are vile and just looking at them as they sleep is sending chunks into your mouth act swiftly and quietly.
Peruse the room and mentally try and recall all the things your were wearing the night before. Once out of the bed you will naturally make some  noise and are within seconds of waking up the One Night Standee. In this instance nothing is to be left behind: phone, wallet, keys, bag, every singe trace of your being here must leave with you so as to avoid any excuses for them to contact you and evidence to be shown to mates later on.

2)

List intact, slowly, gently slide out of the bed. Pick up all your stuff, dressing in only the bare minimum and leave the room As Soon As Humanly Possibly (ASAHP).
At this stage do not put on shoes. They make noise and will instantly alert your Standee/Standee flatmates and might even wake them.
While creeping down the stairs, locate the front door and get the hell out of there.
Once out the door put on shoes and leave the estate and make way to main roads again ASAHP.
Once in a taxi breathe sigh of relief.

If however upon looking at the standee they seem decent, shuffle about a bit and unless they are completely comatose, they will likely wake up.

If you really like them you can go for an act 2 but if you are not feeling it keep the following in mind as the morning advances:

3)

If they are courteous enough to offer you a lift- take it for god's sake. Unless you know the exact bus routes from where you are you could literally find yourself trapped in the foothills of the Dublin mountains or some random place struggling to hold yourself and your dignity together. Also if you let them see you naked, getting into their car should not seem that big a deal by comparison, and will save you a lot of potential shame.

Do not get the Bus or you will look like this girl.. She is also eating a burger which is shameful if the lady's face beside her is anything to go by.

4)

If they suggest breakfast- again you have to trust your instincts on this one. If you are one of the few human beings who has drunkenly managed to take home a complete ride then by all means freshen up and face the outside world in whatever cafe they suggest for breakfast. If you have scored a dog, a decent dog, but still a dog, perhaps limit the damage you have done to your self esteem and mumble something about having to be home for a Sunday lunch. It doesn't matter what time it is or if you are this hungry:

5)

Numbers swapping. Here again we can only help you out so much. If you genuinely like the look of what you see and if you think back on whatever blurry image of last night comes to you and it was vaguely fun, then by all means dish out your digits. Otherwise proceed with caution. We've all made mistakes, don't prolong the agony and in this instance - a fake number will convey the message you can't physically bring yourself to.

Once home get a cup of tea and station yourself in front of the TV for the entire day.

If anyone asks you how was last night just make this face:

You have survived.