If you’re a gay man with a modern phone then the chances are, you’ve already entered into the world of Grindr. If this is the case then I truly am sorry for you, as there is almost no possibility of escape. Grindr is one of those things that we all say we hate with a passion but in reality, we can’t get enough of it. (Kind of like One Direction but less gay, I suppose.)
In a way Grindr users kind of resemble crack addicts; Hardly anyone knows you’re on it, you use it constantly throughout the day and when you try to stop, you feel as though you’re missing a very sleazy limb. However when you’re using this limb you’ll come across all sorts of, ahem, 'interesting' individuals, to put it mildly...
The Grindr Addicts.
We are all guilty of being a little bit addicted to Grindr, but some individuals take it to a whole new level. These people are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS online. On the toilet they’re scrolling through Grindr, on a night out with their friends, from the time prinks start right through to the end of the night, they’re scrolling through Grindr and nothing or nobody can stop them. They could be on their deathbed saying their final goodbyes to family and friends and STILL be scrolling through Grindr. The majority of these addicts often take their addiction beyond Grindr and right through to Tinder, Gaydar, Manhunt and any other site that’s out there...
The Torso Twat.
Ah yes, the beloved torso profile. With the lack of a face, these guys are shrouded in mystery from abs to shoulders. Although they tend to be mostly harmless, approach this species with extreme caution as sometimes they can become quite hostile. It is not known where these creatures dwell or what they live on, but scientific research is ongoing to figure it all out.
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The Strictly NSA Man.
Perhaps the most romantic of all men to be found on Grindr. Meeting with one of these lads would be like something out of the Notebook....that is if you take away the romance, good looks, conversation, kissing and general passion, of course. On the bright side though, there's a possible chance of death, so that captures the essence of the film, if nothing else. The NSA guys often try to woo you with passionate messages such as “Horny?” or “Want some fun?” but don’t be fooled, these guys are after one thing and one thing only. Marriage, obviously.
The Creepy Old Men.
Are you running low on cash? Need a man with poor bladder control? Or simply just want a substitute Grandfather? Well then these are the men for you. First off, the fact that these men can work a phone at all is an impressive quality in itself, but the fact that they can work Grindr makes them the perfect catch. They’ll message you things like “I want to spoil you” or “I’d show you such a good time” and if by chance you’re up for this ‘good time’ then prepare yourself for a lavish night in a retirement home.
The Apparent Muscly Guys.
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You will often come across profiles like this: men who describe themselves as fit and muscly, sounds promising right? WRONG! These guys are the most deluded assholes you will ever encounter on Grindr. They are nowhere near ‘fit and muscular’ and mostly resemble two constipated bulls taped together. However, if this kind of guy tickles your fancy, I have three words for you...seek help immediately.
The Random Pic Sender.
We’ve all gone onto Grindr to innocently browse the local talent and check the messages, but there’s always some asshole who wants to ruin your day by sending pics of his shrivelled genitals to you. This random act of kindness is often followed by “Do you like?”. Disgusted, you choose to ignore this hunk of many words only to be greeted with more lovely messages like “want to meet” “send location””u not interested” until you’re finally forced to block him. Perverts.
The Scenic Bastard.
Although these guys have no profile picture to show, they more than make up for it with their beautiful pictures of garden flowers, beaches, or pets. There are many many reasons why this is the perfect man. They obviously have good photography skills in order to take a blurry picture of a flower in their garden, for one. Who knows, it could be a metaphor for how they're growing as a person and are ready to open themselves to love. Or they could just be ugly bellends. Either or.
