As the exit polls emerged on Friday evening a wild, giddy delirium set in as Ireland realised that a victory for the Yes side seemed not only likely, but emphatic. However, as with all things, this brief ecstasy could not last for ever. The taste of success' sweet intoxicating nectar would prove all too fleeting and soon gave way to one burning question; 'what on earth will be the contentious social issue that everyone's slightly deranged relative will argue about at large-scale family events?'
"I was jumping for joy, utterly thrilled," said one attendee at Dublin Castle on Saturday, celebrating the overwhelming result calling for the Repeal of the 8th Amendment, "but before long, a nagging sense of dread began to gnaw at the back of my mind. I realised that my cousin had her daughter's baptism next weekend. She's calling the baby Bláinne - she failed pass Irish, I think she was going for 'Bláithnid' but got lost in the rough somewhere between 'Áine' and 'bainne', anyway, that's a side issue - it's set to be a large family affair and my uncle Peadair will be there. He's a man of, shall we say, the old school."
When pressed as to what she meant by 'old school' she elaborated, "He's a withering bell-end. He's dragged his heels and protested every move toward social liberalisation that I can remember and the referendum was no different. I'm sure that, now the referendum's passed, he'll prattle on about that for a while, but I'm dreading to see what he's going to focus on next; what I'll have to spend the next five or so years arguing with him about. I mean, I know blood's thicker than water and all that, but the shite that uncle Peadair's comes out with is even thicker still."
As the celebrations from the weekend begin to simmer down and Ireland basks in the post-electoral glow of the promise of greater bodily autonomy for women, the United Front of Deranged Relatives called a hastily assembled press conference today. At the event their spokesperson, Thrupence Sham, called for its members to remain calm, "Obviously, with the referendum vote not going the way we'd hoped, a lot of our members have been getting in touch. They've become increasingly concerned that, without discussions around the 8th Amendment, they will have no subject to focus their antagonistic points of view on when they are invited - out of little more than a glum sense of familial obligation - to only the broadest family events. They are worried that unprecedented harmony and respect will plague the dinner tables of this great, traditionally argumentative and selectively regressive country."
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Thrupence Sham slammed his fist down on the table, to emphasise his point - and to rouse those assembled journalists who'd drifted off during his rambling speech. "The weird relatives of this nation are at a loss. The uncles who live alone and annually go on dubious holidays to Thailand; the aunts who aren't dealing well with their adult children moving out and have converted their vacant bedrooms into aviaries for owls; the rural cousins who seem quite sound, but when they've had a few pints will start talking about why the death penalty re-introduced; they need leadership. In lieu of spewing their often vitriolic views on women's rights, they must - until the next great topic of national discourse rears its head - content themselves with ranting about the fodder that has sustained them for so long, namely conspiracy theories and immigration policy."
