The bus can be a crazy, crazy place. I can't stand the bus, but it definitely provides entertainment, that's for sure. Over the years I've seen people get on without shoes, heard many a breakup and been the victim of creeps. Have a read of this list and join me in ticking off as many weirdos as is humanly possible...
1) The Eater
Ok, so there are a few types of eaters; there's the person who woke up late and had no time to eat breakfast so they're picking at their lunch. Then, there's the one eating a rotten, smelly chicken fillet roll before 9 am and you're just can't even. For me, there's a clear winner for the most disgusting human award and this is the person that opens any sort of fish on the bus, aka a tuna sandwich. They should be evacuated immediately before I cry. Again...
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2) The Loud One On The Phone
Is this necessary, that's my honest question to you. It's 7.47am and I really, truly don't care about your sordid little night last night. Oh and just to be clear, I don't even care that your friend Jenny has put on at least a stone and is going to lose her boyfriend because she's turning into a slob. Bitch on the phone alert: SHUT UP!
3) The Junkie
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They're off their head and can barely stand or put two words together, but somehow they were let on the bus. If they sit beside you, then prepare to feel uncomfortable because they'll probably ask you for some money or if you want to get off the bus with them at their stop. Last week, for example, I ended up beside one such joy, ironic really, because he'd just been released from Mountjoy and was adamant that I went with him to get the best trackies and some cans to pass the evening. I...I just can't.
4) The Apparent MUA
They either woke up late and decided to do their makeup on the bus into work or college and you'll sit there wondering how they can get their eyeliner so perfect on a moving bus, or else their makeup is already perfect and they're topping it up just to make sure that they look like they're ready to go on a night out. Way to make me feel like shit ladies.
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5) The One Who's Lost
This is most likely an American tourist or someone starting college or a new job. They're frantically looking out the window trying to figure out where they are and if they're even on the right bus. Ah bless. They'll definitely end up asking someone when they should get off or run up to the driver panicking because they think they've missed their stop. You'll also find this person staring into Google Maps on their phone, sweat slowly dripping down their face. Prepare to be bombarded, that's all I can say.
6) The Breakup
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These one's always give me a good laugh (sorry, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a bitch, so should you). "Ah please give me another chance Julia, I swear I'll change!" Julia is clearly saying 'no I don't want anything to do with you', back down the phone and the desperation gets worse and worse. He starts crying and now he's begging her to take him back, that he loves her more than anything. Julia hangs up and everyone else sits in silence, awkward, cringing and wanting to be anywhere else but here.
7) The Annoying Teenagers
Found sitting at the back of the bus, top deck mostly, but sometimes bottom, depending on how badass they really are. These annoying little shits blare their uber shit music and snigger more than you ever through humanly possible. You want to tell them to SHUT THE F**K UP, but you're scared they'll crush you physically and mentally (even though they're like 12). Your parents must be really proud of you guys, xoxo.
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8) The Seat Hogger
This mother f*cker is sprawled out across the seat, even though the bus is literally packed and people are desperately trying to sit down somewhere. Like, why? WHY? I especially love when someone says excuse me and they give the 'are you serious' look. Yeah, I'm serious, take the bags down, bitch.
9) The Sleeper
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It takes a brave, brave soul to fall asleep on the bus, I reckon. I'm always bewildered that people can nod off and wake up at EXACTLY their stop. How does that happen?! Or else, you'll be on the bus getting off at the last stop and see the poor unfortunate still asleep on their seat. I got off of the last bus at the last stop once and there was a girl still asleep on the bus, oblivious to the fact that she was off to spend a night sleeping on a cold, dark bus. Still makes me laugh to think about it. Sorry...
10) The Germ Sharer
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Please, please just go back to bed where you so clearly belong you sicko. I'm sorry that you felt as though today was so pressing that you deemed it necessary to drag your sneezing, spluttering self onto the bus whereby you could infect the rest of us too. Not cool, my friend. If you happen to end up sitting beside one of these sickos, then move very, very far away as soon as is humanly possible.
11) The Runner
This is the poor unfortunate who only got to the bus stop when the bus was about to pull away. They can come running from any direction and will probably start hitting the side of the bus to draw the attention of the driver. They'll be red, sweating and probably burning with embarrassment so be sound and stop staring, you hear?
12) The Reader
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This person is in a different world. They're oblivious to anything else that may be going on around them. They're lost in their book and they aren't coming out of it until they have to get off the bus. Don't even try and talk to a person reading their book, they aren't interested and will be pissed off if you make them lose their place.
13) The One Who Wants To Talk
This ALWAYS happens to me, I blame my face. Sometimes I feel as though there's a sign above my head that says 'talk to me'. The other day, a man kept trying to make conversation with me, his opening was 'would you have the time?' (he clearly had the time on his phone) and then he wanted to talk about phones (what the hell do I know about phones). So, after battling through that snooze fest, my advice to you is not to interact in any way whatsoever. SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN.
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14) The Window Opener
It's cold and wet AND it's Winter, so naturally some fucker gets on in a t-shirt and opens the windows. You might as well be naked in the rain, that's how exposed you feel. Everyone secretly wants to beat this person and throw them off the bus, but nobody says anything because we're Irish and we never open our mouths because we're 'too' polite for that shit. *Sigh*
15) That One Weirdo Who Sits Beside You When The Bus Is Half Empty
The whole bus is empty and this bloody nightmare gets on. They could have any seat that they want, but they decide to squeeze in beside you. I don't deserve this sweet torture. Many thoughts go through your mind, they're either a serial killer, a weirdo or creep, why else would they have sat beside you when the bus is completely empty? They want to trap you into a corner and never let you out again, that's why. Nice knowing you friend!
