From the time you were about twelve, a change started to come over you. That school uniform didn't look as innocent as it used to and all of a sudden the boys wanted you on their team for PE class. You went through a stage of feeling incredibly awkward, trying by any means possible to not draw attention to yourself. Then you started to realise that these new appendages had their advantages and now after a few good years they've just become a hassle on your everyday life, apart from having a built in hand rest of course. We've all heard that more then a handful is a waste. Maybe they were right?
1) Nicknames
My boobs have been called Baps, Sugar Tits/Sour Tits, depending on the mood I'm in. Tit's Magee, Beacons, Whoppers, Heifers, Oompa Loompas, Paris and Nicki, the Twins, Sand Bags and Snuggle Buddies, Hand Muffs, Goblets of Fire, tig ol' bittys and big ol titties. No matter what mood you're in, someone telling you to 'calm your tits' will make a rage come from within those juggernauts to make this person suffer like they never have before.
2) Clothes that Fit
If you wear clothes that let the girls breathe you are at risk of being called a common hussy. If you wear clothes that cover them up you look like the Hulk mid transition.
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3) Sex
There is something very unsettling when you're on top and you're trying to keep the bad boys from either hitting you in the face or straining a muscle. You end up having to hold them in one hand while still trying to keep balance with the other.
4) The Guessing Game
You've more then likely been drinking for quite some time. 'Kings' doesn't really have the same allure that it used to and 'Never Have I Ever' is just tedious. All of a sudden one brave soul will chirp up by asking; 'So like how big are they actually'. A game now ensues. It's not quite 'how many sweets are in the jar', but by God it's close enough.
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5) Beware of Getting Excited
You have to hold your emotions back. I don't care if you haven't seen your friend in ages or if this is 'your song'. You do not have the freedom that midget titted girls have. You risk injury to yourself and the people around you.
6) Lying on your Chest
You're in bed and your back gets a little achy so you do what feels right and move onto your chest. But by the beard of Zeuss does it hurt. You feel like your boobs have actually reverted inside of you and now they are wrapping themselves around your windpipe forcing you to gasp for painful spluttered breaths.
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7) Exercise
Agh running. The voluptuous chested girls nemesis. You can't just simply run. You need to have it planned. You play it safe by wearing two sports bras to the gym. And well, running for a bus is just not going to happen. It's like those awkward moments in Sex and the City where Carrie doesn't feel the need to wear a bra as she walks around New York with a brooding look on her face all in slow motion. Somehow her boobs move in a somewhat hypnotic motion. You want to turn away but you simply can't. This is how accidents happen.
8) Stairs
The busty ladies second arch enemy. Running up isn't such a problem, it's getting back down again that causes the hassle. Not unlike a, 'wacky wavy inflatable arm tube man', who knows which way your tata's are gonna go. You use your hands like a seat belt just in case one decides to go a-wall and fly away.
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9) Trying to Look Sweet
Meeting the other halve's parents for the first time? You want to look like someone who bakes in their spare time or looks after sick animals. You put on a cute tea dress with a lovely collar all the way up to your neck. In theory you look like the pastor's daughter with a smile on your face and a prayer in your pocket. In reality you look like a common hussy trying to relive your youth before you started shaking it for dollar bills. The tea dress is so full on top that it has made you look like you have a uni boob. The mother looks at you with disdain because you have stolen her precious son's innocence and the father, well he isn't quite sure where to look.
10) Over-spill
Agh the quadra-boob. This may just sound like a funny word but it is in fact a huge epidemic that is consuming the big and busty throughout our nation. You know that little bit that spills out above the bra so instead of looking like you have two honkers you have two normal size boobs and then two teeny ones? This is down to bras that don't fit. It may have been acceptable in the 80's but dear god not anymore.
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11) The Sag
You do not have the option to not wear a bra on a sunny day or wear a backless dress. People will recommend the stick on bra and you will simply laugh in their face. 'Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro' song has genuine meaning for you because you know at 80 years of age you're going to have to throw them over your shoulder to pull up your pantyhose or else tuck them into your belt.
12) Food in the Cracks
This is actually kind of an upside to big boobs. You go the cinema, buy yourself some popcorn and on your journey home you realise more went down into your under-wiring then actually went into your mouth.
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13) Boob Shelf
You can never lean against a high table without looking like a tramp. You're at a bar trying to order a drink.You lean over the counter but look who else wants to come up and say hello. What's worse is when you do eventually get your drink you have the remnants of every other drink that was on the table on top of Bonnie and Clyde. If that wasn't enough you knock everything in your path as you try to vacate the bar area. You stay classy.
14) Bikini
On the rare occasions you go to the beach you are putting the safety of your own dignity into one double knot. You have to pay an extortionate amount of money for a bikini top that looks fairly rotten. You have a choice between block colours, polka dots or animal print. You then have to say a little prayer that the scouts boy knot that you have tied will stay and for some divine miracle that there wont be a nip slip.
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15) Hairdresser Boobs
All you want to do is give your friend a hug. If you come from them at the front, you are bound to either suffocate them and hinder your own breathing once again. If you give them an embrace from behind then you're just smashing them into their head. You can never give a hug in a platonic way. It always ends up being something slightly more erotic then you had anticipated.
16) Jewellery
You are doomed if you love necklaces, they will somehow find a way of falling into the pits of mount doom that is the gap between your two boobs. You'll spend the remainder of the day trying to fish it out without looking like you're simply admiring your chest.
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17) Boob Sweat
It's disgusting but it happens. It doesn't even matter if it's hot outside or not. If you're clammy in anyway you are going to get boob sweat. It is not sexy, it is uncomfortable, embarrassing and unless you are going to shove your hand down there like a farmer to a cow there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Was that a fly or just some more perspiration going down my naval?
18) Motor-boating
When you have big boobs people feel like they have a free ticket to motor-boat your family size fun bags.
19) Can't Complain
This is probably the worst of all. If you try to air your grievances people will just think you are fishing for compliments. It gives boys a reason to stare and it gives girls a reason to hate you that little bit more. No they will not care if you suffer from back ache and neck pain. Or that you have to pay more for clothes. You probably get that money from your side business of hustling poor naive guys for free drinks anyway you two dollar hooker.
But the one thing that all the voluptuous chested ladies out there will understand is that there is no feeling like coming home after a long day of carting the girls around, unhooking the choke-hold of your bra and simply letting them be free.
