I don't know how to explain this exactly... But... People change at music festivals...As in... a lot. It's like the rules of the normal outside world are suspended for those two/three days, and the most base part of our personalities take over. We become primal. We slip and regress back into the primordial ooze of evolution and come back up stinking of crotch sweat, sore-necked guilt, sun cream and spilled beer (basically vinegar... So yeah, we 'come up' smelling of vinegar). Here's a definitive a list of the worst kinds of people at a festival.
1. The "D'yew Wanna Face-Wipe?" Bae.
Can be found buck-naked in her tent with legs up every morning, wiping every inch of her body with her "Anti-bacterial, fragranced face-wipes." Wouldn't be seen dead in the public showers. Smells like wood polish. Drinks cheap gin and supermarket tonic all weekend. Cries every night. Wipes her teary make-up off with (yep) face-wipes.
2. The Man With The Sore Mouth.
Either coming up or coming down. Has bitten the inside of his cheeks into knobbly pulp. Breathing hard through his nostrils, bucket-hat slipping off his head at 'Despacio' (Look it up... coming to most festivals this Summer). His eyes are too busy focusing on 'the love' to actually focus on anything at all. He is the happiest man on the planet (for now).
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3. The Guy Who Gets Food Poisoning.
Decides to save money by either poisoning himself by cooking tent-warm-bacon on a shitty little disposable grill, or choosing the cheapest, filthiest fast-food van that there is to eat out of. Spends all weekend in the aforementioned tent attempting to drink alcohol every couple of hours. Fails. Refuses to go home, unless in back of ambulance. Has literal shit in his pants. Lies about weekend to anyone who wasn't there.
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4. The Couple Who May As Well Have Stayed At Home.
Spend all weekend sipping their drinks sensibly. No buzz. In the 'circle' at the campsite, but always just a little bit removed from it. Head into the festival site early every morning "to see stuff." Eventually boyfriend's resolve breaks and he disappears for a half a day. Comes back buzzing enough for the two of them with man from point No. 2.
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5. The Girl Who Outlasts All The Guys All Weekend And Who Sleeps For Only Like An Hour Every Morning.
She is an absolute party beast! None can stand in her way!... She will attempt to actually drink you and then crush you if you do. Probably compensating for a lack of an actual decent personality though...
6. The 'Out-Of-Her-Depth' One.
Quiet. Suspicious. Uncomfortable. Barely drinks. Hates everything. If 'Belurrggghhhhh' was a person, this person would be Belurrggghhhhh's mother. Drier than the inside of a toaster. I mean, if this is so shit for you, just fuck off home then, 'Belurrggghhhhh' must be wondering where the fuck you gone.
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7. The Randomer You Meet Who Everyone In The Group Loves.
They wander into your camping area, and ends up literally staying with you for the whole weekend. They make the whole experience. Drinking Herculean amounts of alcohol, leading the sing-song, destroying passers-by with (what you thought at the time were) witty put-downs. He is King. You'll look back on it years later, "Remember that guy? You know the one, the guy that wandered into our tents? Real fun-lovin' kinda guy... What was his name?...Bill? Was it Bill? Oh fuck it was Jerry... yeah. Should've kept in contact with that guy" (Jerry will probably be dead at this point).
8. The One Person Who Goes Too Far.
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There's a festival near me. Its in a beautiful, massively wooded area, surrounded by fields upon fields. One time, this guy was tripping soooooo hard in the festival, he was actually convinced that dragons were chasing him. So he keeps running and running. Eventually, a guy driving a tractor through one of those fields sees him last minute, lying down shaking, after almost running him over... So, the guy in the tractor gets out, and approaches him... "Are you OK?" ... Muthafucka asked for directions back to the festival...But it was THREE DAYS AFTER THE FESTIVAL HAD FINISHED. Yes, this is a real story.
Video: 14 People You'll See At Every Festival - Listology
Credit: FM
